This is probably one of the hardest and most heart felt blog posts I have written, I re-wrote it more times than I can count, but I think this is really important and it's something I really wanted to discuss because it's something that I have been dealing with lately, and I know a lot of you have been and unfortunately, will most likely have to deal with again someday.
My sisters & I with our Nana & Papa on Christmas Day.
So here we go!Two months ago, I lost my Papa - those of you who follow me on Twitter will already know this because I asked you to pray for him everyday and so many of you did which I will forever be grateful for. I can't go into the details of what happened out of respect for my family who might not want it broadcasted across the internet, but it's probably been the worst time of my life.
Grief is something we all deal with and we all deal with it in different ways.
How did I feel when I lost papa? at first I felt numb, like it wasn't real, I actually felt like this for a few weeks, but I would also laugh at the most inappropriate times, like talking about something that really made me so sad that it hurt inside, but I would laugh. It sounds so weird but I did. I would burst out crying at times of happiness, I would feel guilty, I would question if he would be proud of me - every emotion you could possibly think of, I went through - I thought I was loosing my marbles but after doing some research on grief and the process of grieving, apparently it's completely normal.
I remember playing with my cats one day and just burst out crying and yet at the funeral, despite it being the saddest day of my life, I was able to laugh. It's such a weird situation, there just really is no right or wrong way to deal with grief, you just have to be genuine and you will naturally deal with it in whichever way your mind and body can deal with it.
Apparently, some people grieve for a few days, and some people grieve all their lives. I was obsessed with putting a time frame on my grief. I didn't want to spend any time with anyone other than my immediate family, and I still feel that way to an extent and that's because of grief, it's a process - you will always miss whoever has passed away but you will learn to deal with it.
When you're at your lowest point, you will find strength. You will see light in the darkest of tunnels. Your mind is your best friend and your worst enemy - overthinking things is one thing I struggled with and I'm pretty sure so many of you struggle with.
Bad dreams, running through 'what if' scenario's, always expecting the next phonecall you get to be the worst - I've been through it all, and if you're going through it, I just wanted to tell you you're not alone, you're not 'weird' for not crying or for crying too much. You're not uncaring just because you feel numb or don't feel anything - it's just a process. You will come through it and it will get better.
There were a few things I did that helped me to deal with grief, so I thought I would put these in and hopefully they will help you too.
- Accept it. Accept that you're grieving, accept that however you feel is normal. If you want to laugh at a funeral and cry when you play with your cats - then do it! just accept it for what it is.You're not a bad person for dealing with things differently to others.
- Keep busy - try cleaning your room, or listening to some music, keep focussed at work - do whatever will keep you occupied without letting your mind run overtime - life does go on even though you're going through a difficult time and that person is no longer here - they wouldn't want you to spend your life grieving.
- If it all gets too much, talk to someone - talk to me! leave me a comment or send me a tweet (@hollysbeautybox) and I can even send you my private email address if you need to talk and just get things off your chest.
- Exercise. Trust me, coming from someone who is overweight and hates exercise more than I hate low fat mayonnaise there has to be a lot said for it. Just challenging yourself physically can really help to boost your feel good endorphins and again helps to take your mind off things.
- Try not to drink alcohol when you're feeling low - Alcohol is naturally a depressive and will make you feel great at first but then will make you feel worse - I promise you that's the truth!
- If it all gets too much, talk to your GP - no they won't have you sectioned or put you on some crazy prescriptions, they will talk with you and decide on what would be best for you - whether that be medicine or just talking things through.
Above all else - just do what you feel you need to do. If you need to cry, cry. If you need to laugh, then laugh. Just be you.
I know this loss has been the worst time of my life so far, and probably has been for you too and whether you're close to the person or not, grief is grief. There are no rules!
If you're struggling or want to say anything about this blog post, please leave me a comment below - I would genuinely love to hear from you and help you if I can. If you want, you can leave a comment of what you'd say to someone you love that you've lost just to get it off your chest. Anything that might help you - just do!
This was probably the hardest thing I've ever written on my blog!
All my love,
Holly xxx
