On social media, I have seen married couples participating in this “Love your Spouse Challenge.” For seven days, the person will post a photo of his/her spouse in an effort to keep the celebration of love and marriage going.
I am not trying to discourage people from taking this challenge. In fact, I find it nice to see so many couples taking the challenge and sharing moments that have made them especially proud to be a husband or wife.
I have found, though, that this type of challenge tends to breed comparison. Let’s face it… social media does this far too often in our lives as it is. Several times in the past I have discussed how social media can attract unsolicited drama. Why? One word: comparison.
I believe it is natural to feel the need to compare ourselves to others, especially in an age where social media rules. We want to stay updated on what our friends/family are doing, but sometimes it can cause us to wonder, “what if?” In a marriage especially, comparison can cause many problems.
“Friend #1 is always traveling. I want that in my life.” “Friend #16 appears to have her life together. Everything she says and does just seems perfect.” “That couple is together all the time! I am so jealous!” “Should my spouse and I have a date night every week!?” “How does that couple afford to go out so frequently? Should I make more money?”
Ugh… I am getting frustrated just thinking about the comparisons that come to mind when flipping through social media pages. It is like quick sand, don’t you think? Once you start, it feels impossible to stop.
When comparing yourself to others, what word do you likely use? For me, that word is “should.” Should I do this? Should I have done that? Should I act a specific way to get a specific result? Should. Should. Should.
I try to refrain from using that pesky word. In reality, there are probably a million things we “should” be doing, haha. I say, try your best to do the things that will better yourself and your marriage. Do the things that help you succeed on your journey. Don’t do things that other married couples do simply because you worry if that is what you should be doing.
Here is another question to ask yourself. Are you constantly judging others? A judgement, in my opinion, is a comparison. Just because Friend #45 isn’t living life the way you are, does not mean they are wrong. It simply means you do things differently.
Have you found yourself caught in the comparison trap? You can get out of it. You need to recognize that you are in the trap, though. When you start to compare your marriage to other marriages, remember this:
- Every couple (and individual) has their own journey. There is no need to compare yourselves to another for that reason alone. My journey with David is different than the journey my parents are currently on together. The journey of Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie is DEFINITELY different than David and me. Why compare our marriage to people who aren’t on our path?
- Jealousy and envy… what a waste of energy. I will not pretend like I have never felt jealous and/or envious of another couple. Those feelings encouraged me to set unrealistic expectations for my own marriage. Instead of my relationship growing and thriving, it was beginning to exhibit negative qualities that would lead us on the path to failure. Time spent wishing the grass is greener is wasted time that could be spent working on that grass. Does that make sense?
- Not everything is as it seems on social media. Or, couples only share their positive moments. Don’t forget that you aren’t seeing these couples on a second-to-second basis. Sure, their post of Friday date night appears amazing, but they could have bickered the entire car ride over right before that “peaceful and perfect” moment shared on Instagram. Anyone can appear happy and in love, but you never know what is happening at home.
- Time spent focusing on others is time lost not working on yourself. This is kind of reiterating what I said about the grass being greener on the other side. By spending your time and energy comparing your relationship to another, you lost opportunities to focus on your own relationship and make it stronger.
Married couples out there (or any person for that matter)… Let’s make a vow to ditch “should” from our vocabulary and STOP comparing our marriage to others. Who’s with me?
Completely unwarranted life lesson from a married woman #19: It’s okay to be interested in how other couples are making their marriage work. Don’t allow it to consume you, though. What works for one couple may not work for you. Try to be original where you can.
