It’s dark and silent.
Even with my window curtain and panel opened to bring in as much August air, my room is surprisingly dark and quiet for a summer’s night in New York City. The street lights are an orange glow that seem to dim rather than saturate my room; and the neighborhood kids must have decided to turn in early.
Its Quiet.
Or maybe I fell too far down that hole again.
The car, the date, his lips, his words, but I can’t see his face. I’m in the car, he drives we hold hands, we’re going on a date; I said “So you think this is a date?”
The crash.
We crashed. He drove too fast. I held his hand, and he couldn’t—-
RRRRRRIIIIIIIIIIIIIIINNNNNNNNNNGGGGGGGGGGGG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I wake up, to remember its Wednesday night.
Nine days ago, I told a guy that I really liked and deeply cared for that I was going speed dating to meet other single Men; in hopes that he would convince me not to…because we were an item, –because he felt things that I felt, but could not describe.
But instead he wanted to come too. So we broke things off. He changed his mind about speed dating.
This morning I sent him a text and thought that would be the last I ever talked to him, because he was too angry to speak to me.
Now he calls, and I shakily answered the phone…reminding myself I had to be strong, that I had my time to grieve and let everything out and Jon didn’t. That I was going to be an emotional punching bag for this boy that is emotional unstable. And I could dish it. Anyway, hadn’t I asked for this? For Jon to reach out to me no matter state he was in…what piece of work I…
“Hello?” I said cautiously.
“Hi Sabine, Its Jon….I’m sorry for calling so late, I was out drinking with my friends…got a little drunk”
Crap.
“Are you drunk now? Where are you, are you safe?” I asked.
“Yeh yeh..you know it doesn’t take much with me, I’m by the train station….look I got your message, I wasn’t trying to ignore you Sabine….so busy” says Jon.
“Ohhh…its ok, I guess I just felt, um —as long you’re ok” I replied.
“I know you were wishing me well with the move and everything which seemed like a good reason on your part to call…..” He continued.
My stomach knotted
I really was concerned, cause he asked for my help and I agreed, until….I wish I had called earlier maybe I still could have came to help. But I didn’t…..
“But my dad came. Its fine here, except for a neighbor that….” Jon continued.
I was boderlining between joy, elation, frustration, and sadness. I was extremely happy and sad to hear his voice, though heavily inebriated; and frustrated and elated that even though we exchanged a brief banter….it was too thin to be veiled like “old times.” Our cracked and fatigued voices, begged for answers. I desperately wanted to forget last week and just pick –
“Please don’t think I’m ignoring you, I had a ten hour day and I just wanted to sleep last night-” He whimpered.
“HOW COULD YOU SAY I BROKE UP WITH YOU?!?! I NEVER WANTED TO STOP SEEING YOU!!!…. I MISS YOU SABINE, I MISS YOU! I don’t hate you… I’m fond of you, SO VERY FOND OF YOU!….” Jon screamed into his phone.
Umm…
I now was off the fence and thrown into complete shock by his outburst. It was out of character, even for the boy that I labeled an unstable emotionally immature lonely drug addict (In case you missed that chapter), to just “lose it.”
“I’m sorry, I didn’t realize that you were hurt, you seem ok…and I reached out” I stammered.
“I’M
NOT
HURT?!!
YOU think I’m NOT emotionally wounded?! I AM, SO THERE! YOU WOUNDED ME!” He retorted.
“I’m sorry Jon, I wasn’t trying to do that…I don’t know, I never wanted to break up, I like you too. So much more than you understood.” I pleaded.
It was true….sober or drunk I don’t think Jon would have ever understood how much I cared about him. Its too deep, not even I understood the roots of the being that grew to consume me mind, body and soul. I’d give up any one of those for him.
“NO! You were just using me!! And you were MAD at me!!!” He accused.
“I don’t- using you for what?” I asked. Really tell me.
“I don’t know.” He answered.
“Jon, I did care…I even paid your parking ticket for you, without telling you and…” I tried to explain.
“THAT DOESN’T MEAN ANYTHING TO ME!!!!!” I could imagine him sitting outside the subway station, yelling his soul over the cell phone as onlookers distanced themselves warily from him.
“NOTHING!!! I JUST WANT YOUR BODY….YOUR BODY!!!” He continued.
“How many other men have you had sex with? YOU’RE INEXPERIENCED, and kept joking about how young I was and how you were going to jail, TELL ME HOW MANY? DID YOU ENJOY HAVING SEX WITH THEM, SABINE?!? YOU HATED IT WITH ME!!!” He demanded.
“Look everyone’s experience is different….not about being inexperienced…..What happened between us is no one’s fault. Its about our feelings, they didn’t match up we didn’t feel the same way about each other. Its not about wrong or right or who to blame. We just felt differently about each other. And that’s ok” I replied, almost a little too mechanically as it was one of the lines I remembered from a break-up advice site. I felt it was true, or at least I could believe it…that in the end maybe Jon didn’t feel the same way and I got —
“YOU SEE! YOU DON’T GET IT SABINE!!!! THERE IS BLAME!!! IT’S ALL YOUR FAULT! YOU’RE THE BLAME!!! IT’S YOUR FAULT I DON’T FEEL ABOUT YOU THE WAY YOU WANTED TOO!”
I won’t bore you with all 90 minutes of this conversation, I’m not sure if the snippets are in order. But the last thing I said to him in a very tearful way, was that I tried really really hard to show my true feelings for him and reassure him that I liked him, and I was sorry that he couldn’t see it.
And hung up.
I texted him again apologizing for anything insensitive that may have occurred.
Now I’m guilty. Was it really my fault? Should I have been more affectionate, was I less concerned about his feelings? Maybe something I did selfishly? But he didn’t give me a chance. The guy is impatient and makes rash decisions. I wanted a chance to grow, know him better, and to make him happy. Maybe there is still a chance to grow and know each other better, but perhaps as friends.
A quiet night shattered by a crash.
Ch. 15 Truth and Reckoning
“I’m not interested in that Sabine”
For a moment, I thought I was looking at the face of another man. He did not possess the boyish good looks or charm that mesmerized me. As he shoved down his food, me still having no appetite, I realized what had changed. He was revealing himself to me, his truth. And it was ugly. Jon repulsed me.
