It’s his eyes.
It’s the first thing I zeroed in on under his baseball cap, beneath his long hair. It wasn’t so much the exotic color – Goldenrod –I called them like Crayola’s creative, his pale green eyes almost yellowed in the light. And the black glassy pupils were large enough for me to see the whole world, and be swallowed into them. I could see myself in his eyes, but what I couldn’t see was how Jon sees me.
So since I have STD and I can’t ask him–
Since I’ve never pursued a relationship before, and don’t really know “the signs”–
Since we don’t have friends in common, and I can’t hear anything through the rumor mill–
I am dumb, deaf, and blind in this relationship.
So my rational intelligent mind takes a turn down a path that seems to be a natural solution for its ignorance.
KRAZY
You gotta prepare yourself to breakup…you can’t be like this
Jon, I feel very passionate about you, and I want the best for us—
I had to get him to tell me. I don’t want a commitment. I don’t want a boyfriend; I just want Jon to tell me. If he just tells me the truth then I’d feel better, and know how to properly conduct myself.
Scenario 1: He likes me – ok, stay and work out the issues surrounding our cultural differences and my supposedly unaffectionate attitude.
Scenario 2: He doesn’t’ like me – break things off and move on. Simple, I need an answer.
But…how?
“Sabine!! We’re organizing a social networking/speed dating mixer for next week.”
“Oh ok.” I replied.
“So you’re gonna come and participate, right?”
I looked back at Lee, she was maybe about two years older than I, with children and a long term relationship, but seemed to have the social life of an unattached college co-ed. If she wasn’t planning an event, she was attending them.
“Uuummmm, I—well, can I think–” I searched my brain.
“It’s a Yes or a No. You’re single, You’re coming.”
“OK, yeah.” I agreed.
Yes I will.
“Hey, how are you doing, boobicakes?”
**Giggles** “Nothing, are you on the rooftop? Watching the trains go by?” I fawned, if there was anything that I loved about Jon’s apartment: was the view he got from his rooftop where he would go and smoke.
“Yeah….”
An hour later…
“Um, so—oh yeah! There’s gonna be a social networking event. I think they are doing it to raise money. Uh – Lee is putting a speed dating event for professional singles and asked me to come. It sounds like fun, plus its for charity.” I explained, emphasizing Lee’s role in event planning and nonprofits.
“Yeah, that sounds like fun, sure I would love to go speed dating” He said.
Excuse me, who the fuck invited you?
“It sounds like fun, we can go together…” As he continued, my mind began wandering down the black abyss of the rabbithole. I wasn’t sure who was on Drugs: if it were him or me. I only brought this up, because deep down I was hoping if he would ask me if I was still interested in seeing other guys, and then I would say “No…” and we could re-evaluate things.
“Jon!” I interrupted, “I don’t want to go speed dating, I don’t want to meet other people.”
“Why not, we can make it like a contest or game or something to see how many people…” He said.
“People don’t go speed dating for contests and mind games, single people go to make a connection and possibly start new relationships.” I retorted.
“Look, I take it all back, the reason I brought this up was not because of speed dating, or whatever…for the past few days I have been trying to tell you how I feel and that my feelings have changed for you. Do you see us dating each other exclusively soon?” I breathed that out quickly.
“Yeah, I kinda had a feeling that you were going to ask me this…”
So you decided to play dumb!!? I thought.
“Look all I want to know is how you feel, just tell me the truth even if you think it’s gonna hurt or not what I want to hear” My cojones tightened I carefully listened on the line.
And to be honest, all I remember was his throat clearing, voice breaking up a bit as he mumbled some words to put a sentence together, at times I couldn’t hear him because his voice sounded low but I also had to take my ear away from the phone after I heard, “This isn’t good enough for me now…” and “If I’m gonna settle down…”
“I’m not asking you to settle.” I objected.
I know he said more, but I was quietly holding back tears, as I strategized how to quickly move on, and sound cool and rational over the phone. “Thus, I don’t want to continue wasting our time if you feel like nothing is there, so the only request that I have is if I can come by tomorrow and pick up my stuff at your apartment, and oh I’ll return your books too.”
“You can keep the book.” He said.
“No, its o.k it belongs to you, and I can always borrow it from the library, I’m sure you want your stuff back” I reasoned.
“I don’t care about—”
“Jon, I don’t want your stuff! Anyway, I’ll be at the gym and I can just swing by.” I was still reasoning with myself and working out travel times…as he interrupted my mumblings. Presumably to get off the line.
“OK I’ll call you when I get home.”
******
Longest day of my life.
Stare at the computer, go get water, got to leave work by 5. Get to the gym by 6. Maybe stay until 8. Be at Jon’s by 8:15pm, get home before 9. What if Jon’s not home by 8? What time is it? What time is it? WHAT TIME IS IT? Read about break ups online, I did it on a Monday, check. I did it over the phone. Not good. But HE said, “Things weren’t good enough, and that if he had to choose, he would see other people than be with me.”
So his choice, he wanted to end it, he gave himself an ultimatum, when I didn’t ask for it. I think. Oh wait, didn’t he say that he didn’t want to stop hanging out with me? No, no, my imagination. Now pull yourself together, no guy ever wants to see a girl cry in front of them or break down emotionally. Keep your voice steady, head up, and conversation minimal, I’m sure he wants things done with quickly. As I pulled up, in front of his building.
See how rational I am? Not much.
I texted him the next morning, I didn’t know what to say. So I thought to bring up the most rational practical thing I could.
I have the info on speed dating if you’re interested I can send you the form and you can just fill it out and return it by fax/email
He responded:
No Thanks
Ch. 13: Quiet…It’s a Breakdown not a Breakup
