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SportsPickle
May 19, 2015
Roger Goodell and Robert Kraft Announce They’re Adopting a Baby

SAN FRANCISCO — NFL commissioner Roger Goodell and New England Patriots owner Robert Kraft have worked through their “DeflateGate” differences and have announced they are adopting a baby together.
“This shows we remain together and committed to one another,” said Kraft, announcing the adoption at the start of the Spring NFL owners meetings in San Diego. “Roger and I want to make it known that we remain a team and we’re excited about the opportunity to impact a young life in a very meaningful way. This baby isn’t to save our relationship. It’s to take it to a new level.”
Goodell said the child, who has yet to be selected or adopted, “will be raised with values and principles the NFL hold’s dear. We believe the NFL has great influence over the character of this nation, but we want to instill the culture of the NFL in a more micro level, on one specific child. We think the baby will grow into a great leader.”
The commissioner said he and Kraft are not husbands or lovers.
“Our relationship is much more than something physical and we have never been together in that way or even wanted to be,” said Goodell. “No, we have reached a higher plane of emotions and understanding. A plane where only those who truly embody what the NFL Shield stands for can exist.”
Goodell and Kraft hope to raise their child to value profit, PR and a pandering appreciation of the military.
“We will fine the child for all disobedience and never take it to the doctor for head injuries because the science isn’t in on that yet,” said Goodell.
“Also, our child will lie and deceive and then claim to be the victim when caught,” said Kraft. “If all goes according to plan, we will raise Roger’s eventual successor, who will then lead the league into an all-new era of record revenue.”
All that remains is for an adoption agency to give a child to the men.
“Under no circumstances would I ever allow a child near them,” said Sandra Tellyson, director of an adoption agency in New York. “Isn’t the older guy already dating a child anyway?”

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