This is a rather long post that I sat down this morning and just felt the urge to write out. So I have broken it down into sections with ‘sub headings’ to make it for easier reading. My husband and I had agreed a long time ago that 2 kids is enough. In fact, Miss 3 is a rather strong willed child so we often feel like we were already dealing with more than 2 kids. Everytime we were asked if we would have another one, we would always say confidently that we were done with adding to the brood and we always had a whole list of reasons not to have another. Recently, I have found that I keep getting asked how I feel as a mom who was so sure she didn’t want anymore kids.
I can almost feel judgemental eyes from other mums…
I have nothing against kids. It doesn’t mean I don’t love my kids (Do I really have to justify and explain myself like that? Oh, you never know, people seem to put on their ‘misread-everything’ hat on the interwebs) I love my kids and I do like kids in general – in fact, I taught at a primary school before I switched and taught adults.
My justification though is that we had kids relatively young which meant that we also missed out on a lot of experiences. No, I am not complaining because it is certainly not the fault of children (who do not have a choice to be born or not). It’s just matter of fact and I’m just being honest. Seeing friends use their youth to travel around the world and get involved in all sorts of adventure did not sting me with jealousy, but it did just highlight the truth, that when you have kids, you usually have to change your lifestyle and it’s just not as easy and convenient to do the things you could have done when you were single. So after 2 kids, we really didn’t want anymore. We looked forward to having our couple-only holiday once a year to explore the world and go on adventures that we didn’t get to when we were younger. #truth #honesty #dontjudge Or even if you do judge, try to understand what I’m saying here because I’m not complaining but just stating facts.
Finding out about my pregnancy
It was against this backdrop that I first found out that I was pregnant again. You would think though that I would have been disappointed or upset but I was surprised to find myself rather delighted. I remember that Miss 3 was home with me and I made her take a photo with me (AND the positive pregnancy test – the whole shizzle, tell me I’m not the only one!). All of a sudden, it became an exciting prospect. Another baby, another sibling for my 2 girls. Husband had been complaining that Miss 3 has grown up so fast, her feet have become so much bigger now. The idea of a little precious bundle to hold, carry, shower with kisses suddenly excited me. I didn’t expect to be as excited as I was – but that was what happened.
Shit hits the fan
After I fell really ill during my pregnancy though, things did kind of shift. I was really depressed from being ill. I won’t even repeat myself but it was the whole constant vomiting, losing weight, not being able to eat, laying in bed crying as I couldn’t do anything and had no energy whatsoever. In all honesty, I started to have negative thoughts that ran along the lines of ‘why, why, why would I even go through this again’, ‘I had just gotten my freedom back (freedom from having a newborn and from suffering pregnancy-caused health problems), I don’t want to do this again!’
I really should stop here and say that I am grateful for the gift of pregnancy. I understand there are women who would love to be in my shoes, pregnancy ills and all. I’m definitely not expressing any ungratefulness for this privilege. In fact, I have always said one of the most miraculous and special things I have experienced in my life, is feeling a baby move inside me – it is just pure magical.
All I’m saying is, when you’re spewing for the 6th time in the day and it’s 11am in the morning, and you spew with so much force that your chest hurts and you can’t breathe, you start choking, your eyes tear up from fear, and you’re sick of having your face in the toilet, you feel dizzy and faint when you get up, hear your 3 year old walking around having to look after herself and feel a wave of guilt, you sit on the floor for 15 minutes trying to get enough strength to get up and crawl into bed, you make it into bed… only to get a short hour rest and feel sick all over again – it is hard, so hard and you start questioning it all. (Yes, I’m quite the fan of extremely long sentences – don’t be a grammar nazi!)
You feel sick of being sick. And then, you chastise yourself for being weak and tell yourself to quit complaining because there are people out there who suffer worse for God’s sake and you have no right crying over feeling some pregnancy ills. It’s a depressing cycle.
All that aside, it’s been 3 weeks on since birth…
and do I feel different?
Thankfully, I feel completely different.
You know how they say you have to get through the storm to see/enjoy the rainbow?
Very cliche but it was so true in this instance.
Because I was so sick and so down in the depths, the minute my pregnancy ended after the birth, I was so absolutely appreciative of having my body back that I was in such good spirits.
Yes, post-pregnancy came with its own pains and all but I remembered my pregnancy journey and it didn’t even come close to the pain, distress and discomfort I felt. I was so overjoyed it was all over. I was happy I could walk (bounce) around with light steps again, not feel sick, not limp around from sciatic pain… I was in extremely high spirits.
It’s like I had to have that bad experience to contrast with.
Ironically, it gave me strength and a whole lot of positivity to deal with the first few challenging weeks of having a newborn. (Of course, it really helps that she’s a really easy baby!)
Do I regret all the pain and discomfort I went through? It was really tough but no, I don’t regret it.
Do I regret having another child? No, not at all, I cannot imagine not having little Michaela in my life now – even though it’s only been less than a month.
I used to hear women say that after going through all the pain (whether during pregnancy or child birth), it’s all worth it when you see your baby. I used to think that was cliche but I believe it now.
There’s really nothing like a mother’s love. I try not to think about what I went through during pregnancy but all I know is that I can’t not have my Michaela.
If you’re as lucky as me to suffer like that during pregnancy (Gosh I seriously wouldn’t wish it on anyone), I just want to encourage you to persevere. There is a light at the end of the tunnel, even if the tunnel seems to be too long. Most pregnancy ills are just that, pregnancy ills. I was limping around and not able to walk properly for months through my pregnancy but right after the birth, it all went away and I was good again. If you would like to chat, I would love to make your acquaintance. You know how to contact me x
