Communities are hugely important to our health and well-being. Conversely, when we’re disconnected from our communities and friends, it can be really disconcerting and can have a negative impact on everything – including our actions, habits and even how we perceive ourselves.
Studies have shown that people who belong to a group experience more happiness and less stress. According to the OECD Better Life Index, “Humans are social creatures. The frequency of our contact with others and the quality of our personal relationships are thus crucial determinants of our well-being. Socially isolated individuals face difficulties integrating into society as a contributing member and fulfilling personal aspirations.”
An article in Oprah magazine takes this even further, suggesting some of the benefits of friendships include “mountains become molehills” – similar to the common adage ‘a problem shared is a problem halved’; “disease becomes less deadly”, and “stress feels more manageable”.
In my experience, the times when I’m most disconnected from my friends and networks have been the worst and most challenging periods in life. Usually disconnection happens because of high levels of stress or situations in life in which you’re going through a lot of change.
Sometimes you can purposely disconnect yourself so that you don’t have to face others’ opinions or judgements, if you feel that they’ll look upon you negatively for the current decisions you’re making. Sometimes you can become alienated from a friend or group because you don’t agree with what they are doing – it may be that they are judging others negatively and you don’t agree with it, or they are doing something that you don’t want to be a part of, or the friend or group just doesn’t fit with your values any more. Perhaps you’re trying to create new and healthier habit patterns and your old network just doesn’t fit with this, providing too much temptation and not enough support.
Maybe you’ve had a falling out or you just don’t see eye to eye any more. It’s so important that whatever the cause, you’re being honest with yourself.
Some of the key questions to ask in these situations include:
- Do I want to spend my time with this person / this group? If so, how often do I want to see them? (Some friendships are casual and that’s totally fine too). If not, you don’t have to have a massive falling out – just let the friendship fade out, if it doesn’t fit with your values and you are not serving each other as friends any more. People drift apart sometimes, and that’s cool. Remember – most people are the sum of the five people they spend the most time with – it’s so important to surround yourself with people who have similar values!
- Am I steering clear of my group for a positive reason? As mentioned above, if you’re avoiding people because you don’t want to be perceived negatively, is that because what you’re doing at the moment doesn’t fit with your values? If it does, and you feel they could be judging you, then you have nothing to worry about. If you’re going against your own value system then they could have a point, and alienating yourself is really just about you and not them. It could be time to reassess your choices.
- Am I expecting too much or too little? When it comes to friendships, and in fact life, empathy goes a long way. Always put yourself in the others’ shoes and refrain from judging. You never know what people are really going through, and how much pain they’re experiencing. You don’t want to be a doormat, but real friends won’t take advantage of your generosity. Give, and don’t expect anything in return. Real friends will treat you just as you treat them, so offer 100% trust and respect and in most instances it will be reciprocated. If not, then they are probably not your real friends and you should act accordingly.
In my experience, friendships and positive relationships with those around you, including with your family, don’t just happen. You have to nurture and foster relationships, and put in the effort. Call them, and don’t just expect that they will call you. Make catch ups convenient for them. Go over and above, and deliver more support and friendship than they would expect. Just the act of behaving in others’ interests is rewarding in itself.
If you keep this a general rule in life, to be generous yet strong with your close relationships, it will be far easier to cultivate this experience in all of your networks throughout your life.
How do your friendships and networks benefit your life?