For quite some time, it was accepted knowledge that there were six universal emotions: happiness, sadness, anger, surprise, fear, and disgust. More recent research has expanded on that knowledge and identified considerably more emotional categories, as well help us understand that these emotions do not exist completely independent of one another, but instead are interconnected in much more complex ways.
Having emotions and expressing them, however, are two different things. For many of us, the ability to fully express our emotions has been taught out of us over the course of countless years of socialization and gender stereotyping. I'm sure many of us can recall a time when we were told not to cry, to "suck it up", or to "calm down". As we all know, these pointless commands don't make the emotion go away. Instead, we learn to bottle it up and bury it within us, where it sits. We commit a great deal of energy and time to burying our emotions instead of expressing them, and that is energy that could be much better spent on any of a number of other things.
Thus, emotional intelligence or literacy serves as our second pillar of integrity. The concept refers to our ability to understand and manage our own emotions, as well as recognize and influence the emotions of those around us. The term was first coined by Daniel Goleman in 1990 and has gained wide recognition and popularity in the last several decades. It is not without it's detractors, and we can debate the merits of a perspective that has in some ways been coopted by capitalist entities as a way of reinforcing a neoliberal state. However, for the purposes of our examination of integrity, it is illuminating as an identified pillar.
Emotional intelligence is often broken down into 4 core competencies, which an help us understand how we achieve greater integrity. Self-awareness is central to this idea and focuses on our ability to understand our strengths and weaknesses, as well as the impact our emotions have on ourselves and others. Self-management follows self-awareness, and describes our ability to manage our emotions and maintain a positive outlook on the world around us despite inevitable setbacks. Our social-awareness is our ability to recognize others' emotions and respond in productive ways that emphasize the importance of empathy. Once we have read the room, our relationship management skills kick in and we learn how to influence others, advise and mentor them, and resolve conflicts that may arise.
For Hendricks, our emotional literacy allows us to better understand what we are feeling at any given point, and how best to describe those feelings to ourselves and others. Often, recognizing that we are feeling something isn't the issue, but rather the problem is fully understanding what we are feeling and where it is coming from. Surface level catalysts may simply provide an opportunity to tap into deeper emotions related to past experiences or repressed emotions. In essence, we are taking a moment to ask not only "is it anger I'm feeling?" but also "what am I truly angry about?". We must also consider how our behaviors inhibit the ability of others to express their emotions and truly share their concerns. This is at the heart of psychological safety.
We'll return to our third pillar, impeccable agreements, tomorrow and explore why we so often say yes to things we don't want to do!