After nine years of listening to the robotic voice of Theo Epstein, a man whose expression always seemed to suggest he was battling a severe digestive disorder, Red Sox fans felt a certain relief when the GM picked up and moved on to Chicago. Sure, Epstein had done some wonderful things in Boston, and some disasterous ones as well, but what fans could always count on was his bloodless, humorless, thoroughly boring persona. But after a thorough investigation through sources in the front office, Call of the Green Monster has learned that Cherington may possibly be more boring than his predecessor.
"Well I hired him, and of course people find me rather boring," said John Henry. "Theo was like a son to me, wonderfully boring, unemotional, cold, and an absolutely dreadful conversationalist. Everyting you'd want in a child. But having said all that, I'm delighted to report that Benjamin is just as boring, and possibly even more boring."
"Brutal, absolutely brutal," added Larry Lucchino when describing what it's like to spend time with Cherington. "I mean you'd rather sit through a 10-hour root canal than have a ten minute conversation with Ben. He is the most uninteresting, unfunny guy I've ever met. You almost question whether he's human."
Cherington, when apprised, merely shrugged at the story. "I'm actually insulted that people don't think I can match, and even exceed Theo's boringness. Don't mess with me, man. I could put a cup of coffee to sleep."