A stunning report was released yesterday by the American Association of Buttock Research that indicates that fully 28 percent of the seats at Fenway Park can cause permanent debilitating damage to the buttock region. It is thought that many of the seats can also cause back and neurological issues, though no hard scientific damage can yet prove that.
"We were disturbed and saddened by the results we gathered," said Hugh Jass, president of the AABR. "The seats are so painfully uncomfortable to begin with, but then the angles they force the body to contort to are borderline inhumane. Vice president Iwhana C. Butts, gave a stern decree: "The Boston Red Sox organization can no longer pay such callous disregard to the health and comfort of their fans' buttocks. Too many have suffered for too long. Their ass is on the line here."
A disturbed John Henry vowed there would be a new day in Red Sox policy. "This is difficult for me, because not only am I the one guilty of this heinous crime against the buttocks of Red Sox Nation," he proclamined tearfully, "I'm also a victim. I have the boniest ass ever to walk into Fenway. But I dream of a day when we will no longer need to stand at the end of the inning to shake the blood flow back into our buttocks; when children and adults alike no longer have to squirm in their seats in unbearable pain. The time has come to sit down in comfort, Red Sox Nation. Help is on the way!"