"Happy Thursday!"
When I was growing up I was the middle child. When I was growing up my older sister and younger sister seemed to not see things eye to eye. I was the pickle in the middle! I got along with my older sister and I got along with my younger sister. My relationship with each one is different from one another. For instance, my older sister loves to shop and has two kids. I have two kids as well and enjoy shopping with my sister. My younger sister played sports with me when we were younger and later enjoyed taking walks with me. We also, shared a room together when growing up. On the other hand, growing up with my two sisters at times were challenging. I would go to say something at the dinner table and BAM! One sister would start talking, then the other and soon I found myself drowned by there conversation. I found myself as though I did not have a voice or rather no one seemed to say,..."Wait! wasn't your sister Cathy trying to say something?" or "Hey!...what were you saying, Cathy?" No, that did not happen. I eventually saw myself as for what it was and that my two sisters seemed to over rule the dinner table or even any conversation. I never seemed to think it was important enough for me to stand on the table, pound my fists on the table or start screaming in order to be heard. I never liked that type of drama or chaos. I just chose to sit back and watch the drama rather than engage in it. Funny, how my mom would always say that when my older sister was getting into things and my younger sister was screaming for something at the same time, she would just look at me and I would look at her and just, smile. My mom always said I gave her some touch of peace no matter how crazy her day was. Now, don't get me wrong, when I grew up I gave my mom plenty of chaos and drama but as a child I always carried peace. Aunt Marlene would say the same and that I always reminder her of her son Kevin. Laid back, loving, quiet and full of peace. Can anyone relate to this? Does anyone see where I am going with this?
I grew up, my sisters grew up and we, all eventually got married to our husbands. We live in all three different cities and ironically, I live again, in the middle, between my two sisters. My older sister lives on the East side and my younger sister lives on the West side. I am still the pickle in the middle!
What does this have to do with recovery? Everything, I will explain. When I was drinking I would use my sisters to go out with, in order to get drunk. I was eventually heard! They did not engage in the same drinking as I did but it gave me enough reason to go out and do what I always did,...get drunk! I would either go out with my older sister and her friends or I would go out with my younger sister and her friends, but never all together,...at least that is how I always remembered it! Why? Good question, but all I know is that we were all three sisters that seemed to like the pickle in the middle,...me! My sisters seemed to always get along with the pickle in the middle,...me! I say me, because I seemed to be the most tolerant, the most forgiving, the most less judgmental, the most accepting and the most less argumentative and controlling. Now, I am not saying I never had an issue with any of these things,...because believe me,...I did! I never realized how loving, accepting and tolerant I was when I was younger,...it was like a sober me! How ironic is that? It wasn't until I started to drink that all those wonderful things I once gave to both my sisters began to go away, distort and how the disease of alcoholism caused me to loose the true me. I finally chose to get sober and with that I had this spiritual awakening, after several years of being sober, I realized just how much my two sisters always seemed to not get along or seem to have that friction between the two of them. Later, I again realized how much I loved them, accepted them, had no set expectations of them and tolerated there needs and dislikes, which in return, allowed me to accept them for who they really are and not what I think they should be, could be or need to be. Now, if only they saw the same for one another. Maybe things would be different between the two of them and then again maybe not. It is none of my business!
I am so blessed to have the recovery I do today and the ability to love, accept and tolerate others,...that is in a healthy way and not as a door mat! I know when to say no and when to let it go! I know the difference between my business and there business! I know the consequences, in return if I choose not to take my own inventory first and shoot my mouth off without any regards to there feelings, needs or wants. I know the difference between there issues and my issues and by knowing that and separating me from them I won't take things personally or become defensive every time something is said to me that I just don't agree with. I am alright with agreeing to disagreeing. I am in recovery and they are not. Realizing that allows me not to be thinned skinned at every confrontation or rather avoids me from thinking I am responsible for there feelings. I am only responsible for mine. I am only responsible for my actions. I am only responsible for me! I have choices today and I am glad that I know the difference. With that said, it gives me such freedom, peace and comfort knowing I love myself, accept myself and work on myself everyday in order for me to love others with the same freedom, acceptance and gratitude. This gift of self love enables me to give endless love to anyone without trying to change, see fault, get something out of it or control. I am glad I am the pickle. I will always be the pickle in the middle! Has anyone out there experienced this? Have you ever been the pickle?
Today, I will choose to take a long walk and remind myself that at one time in my life, I hated being the pickle but now I love being the pickle! Free choices, self love, sharing with detachment, no expectations, caring and accepting of others.
Sobriety Fitness by Cathy Shuba is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial-NoDerivs 3.0 Unported License.
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