"Happy Saturday!"
I was at a meeting this past week and the topic was on "Letting Go." I thought to myself what a great topic, since lately I have been practicing this in my life more than usual. It was a huge meeting, or should I say, bigger than normal. The meeting began and people took their turn commenting on some reading and related it to the topic of "Letting Go." It wasn't until I heard this women talk about her fears of her children having the disease of Alcohol that caught my full attention. I listened to her and watched her shed a tear over the fact that the disease is in her family and that it is hard for her to let go of the fear of one of her children some day having it too. I began to relate, I began to have that same fear, I began to not be able to let go of it. Will I not be able to let go of it?
When I became sober, I was single with no children. When I became sober I was only concerned with staying sober and out of toxic places not to mention the toxic people I hung around with or the places I visited. When I became sober I never realized that my alcoholism was genetic. When I became sober I was not concerned with having a guy, getting married or having any kids,..."Heck, I was still a kid, even though I was in my twenties!" Time had passed and I, then met my husband and had kids. I was several years sober but still needed to learn a lot about myself, alcoholism and the fact that I will forever be recovering from the diseased mind I was left with. I still attended meetings and by this time realized and was taught by many that I had a disease and it was genetic. I still, did not put them together until I had gone to a meeting and a man stood and said that his son now was battling the disease and that he feared for his life. A light bulb moment! A spiritual awakening! Call it what you may, I had finally realized that one of my children could become an alcoholic like me. The fear arose! The panic I felt! The need to control it, fix it and stop it was never ending! I actually obsessed over the fact by reading, asking and learning everything I could in order to prevent the inevitable,...alcoholism! I was crazy! I was fearing the unknown!
Later, in my recovery I had lost two girls, I had sponsored. It was life changing for me, it was sad but yet at the same time helped me to see the reality, the struggle and devastation this disease could have on one's life. It allowed me to understand how powerless I was over someone's decision or choice in life. It allowed me to understand acceptance as it is and that no matter what I did or said to them their willingness to stay sober was not strong enough. It allowed me to forgive myself, for I blamed myself at first for not sponsoring hard enough,...if that is such a thing! It allowed me to realize I have no control over what one chooses to do,...all I can do is share my experience, strength and hope. Lastly, it allowed me not to obsess over something or someone's disease just because I fear the worse at which it death can happen to them.
Experiencing all this in my recovery, I was given many gifts. For instance, I was able to "Let Go" of the fear I once had for the unknown in my children. It allows me to be able to take all that I know so far, learned so far and experienced so far and apply it to questions my children may have about the disease and teach them, show them and be an example for them to the best of my ability. This allows me not to make my children a hostage from the disease, rather call it what it is and explain to them about choices they have in their life. This allows me not to over protect them from the true causes and truths one lives with when they have this disease. This allowed me to talk openly with compassion and respect when one is struggling with this disease. This allows me to share with my children what alcoholism or addiction truly is! Lastly, the rest I must let go, let God! The rest I must know and accept that I have done or is still doing my best in mothering them. The rest I know that it is a genetic disease and that no matter what I do or say there are no guarantees as to whether I have convinced, changed or protected my child from the disease itself!
When I listened to this women share her fear and sadness I sat there and prayed for her. I did not judge her! I sat there and remembered the time when I feared the same! I did not act self righteous! I sat there humbled! I sat there with compassion by me passing her a piece of tissue as she wept! I sat there quiet without telling her what to do, how to feel and the need to want to "fix" it! I just sat there with her grief! I sat there remembering! I just sat there!
Do you fear the unknown in your children? If so, your not alone and that it took me a long time to realize it and cope with it! I still may have those fears, but it is not as paralyzing as it first was when I realized that it could happen to one of my children. I have learned to let go and let God and know I always have tools to use in order to help through those fears. I will run today knowing I have let go of those fears,...at least for today, that is!
Sobriety Fitness by Cathy Shuba is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial-NoDerivs 3.0 Unported License.
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