"Happy Friday!"
I was never in the Army, Marines, Air Force, Navy, Coast Guard or National Guard. But, I was always at war! I never liked to argue, cause conflict or engage in others fighting. But, I was always at war! I did engage in stuffing my feelings and feared the truth of me. I was at war! I, later began to drink, do drugs and thought that this way of life freed me from all my pain, fears, anger, resentment and mostly me. I was at war in my mind!
Now, some of you may be saying to yourself, "What the heck is she talking about now?" On the other hand, some that have experienced my war will identify immediately. Sadly, but not impossible to fight through, many may be still battling this today. Are you? Have you? Did you? Hold on, I will explain more on how I fought through it and at times still have to fight through it in order to live free!
I fought through the bad neighborhood in my head! Have you ever heard that expression? It is the war in your mind! It is the war between right and wrong, negative vs. positive thoughts, your attitude, your spiritual well being, your war with choices vs. self pity and victim mode, your who am I? What do I like? Who am I? Not knowing how to feel war and it can go on. Sound familiar now? I fought through all the distorted and toxic thinking I was taught, showed or was expected to live up to. I fought through the negative thinking that kept me negative, feeling sorry for myself, looking to myself as though I was the victim. I fought through, I fought the war, I chose to be free!
How did I fight it? How did I identify the war? What were the steps I took? Three topics that come to my mind and always do when I fall back into that bad neighborhood of thinking.
- Denial kept me at war!
- Awareness allowed me to fight my war!
- Change allowed me to be free!
First, let's start with denial. Denial kept me thinking the way I always thought,...insane! For instance, when I kept doing what I always did, I always kept getting the same the result. What a war that was, by me never wanting to look at, see it for what it was and felt better by sweeping it under the carpet. That war grew! Denial caused me anxiety and stress because I chose not to see the real truth of me, my situation or people in my life. Truth about my character defects, anger, resentment, ego, pride, love for myself and the list could go on. This in return allowed me to deal the same way with my situations, consequences, responsibilities and people in my life. The result of this also caused me quilt, discomfort and the feelings of discontent and sometimes anger and resentment. Why?, because even though I never faced up too the truths in my life I internalized those feelings, which in return caused me to act or behave in a destructive way. I just never realized, wanted to realize or understand why I felt the way I did and did the things I did. Denial after so long caused me to loose myself. Did you ever here someone say, "I lost myself and I do not know how I did it!" DENIAL!, that is how you did it! Denial after so many years, eventually caused me to have difficulties in identifying my true feelings, likes, dislikes and decisions. Sound familiar? Still in denial? I will say a prayer for you! So how did I stop denying? When the pain became more or bigger than what I thought I could handle. When I got tired of being sick and tired of being sick and tired. When everyone in my life stopped fixing things for me, making things easy for me and stopped protecting me. When I surrendered and chose to look in the mirror. When I became willing to let go! When I became aware of my war!
Secondly, awareness allowed me to see things for what they were, could be and what needed to be. Awareness allowed me to fight through my war, in order to be free. Awareness allowed me to see my war as distorted, tiring, exhausting and mostly toxic to my well being. Awareness allowed me to see my future, my present and my way of living. Awareness gave me lots of gifts. These gifts included courage, strength, faith, hope, willingness, respect and mostly the true meaning of love for myself and others. Lastly, awareness keeps me in check on a daily basis, which then allows me to live a true, loving and freeing life today. Awareness of me, my surroundings and people in my life will never end as long as I live on this earth. It is my guidance in recovery that helps me to live free of alcohol and other substances along with the war I once had with denial. Although, I may still struggle with some denial or other character defects, I know or rather realize I am not perfect and that my goal in life is for progress, and nothing more. I am aware of the war I once had in my mind! I am aware the war can come back at any time! I must always be aware of my war!
Lastly, change was the result! I needed to change my thinking, my character defects and my way of life in order to be freed of my war. Change came when I showed up! Changed helped my mind, body and spirit to relax, open up, see things for what they are, deal with me and no one else, own my own responsibilities, consequences and problems. Change was the ending of blaming, anger, resentment. Change in myself left me with many gifts of acceptance, balance and the need for attention was replaced with sharing and helping others. This allowed me to get out of my own self indulging needs and wants and focus on others who are less fortunate, still struggling or just need an ear to listen. Changes in me was the result of no desire to control, expect or judge others no matter how mad I may become or disgusted by other peoples decisions or choices. Live and let live is the key in knowing my own business, healthy way of detachment, love and forgiveness. Change is the result of my freedom from my war in my mind!
Are you still fighting that war in your head? If so, try one of my exercises I chose to engage in, in order for my freedom of my war. Today, I will practice yoga and allow my mind to be free of any war!
Sobriety Fitness by Cathy Shuba is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial-NoDerivs 3.0 Unported License.
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