Here's a basic truth for you: in each moment we have a choice to either open or close. You can tell the truth or not. You can expand or contract. You can be present or check out.
I had chosen the latter for a long time. Yes, there were times where I would choose the former, but the majority of the time my default mode seemed to be the latter. This was reflected in my body, which was tight, armored, tense. It wasn't so much that I had to work for the former -- I merely had to choose it. Easier said than done. Being closed, avoiding the truth, contracting and being checked out was comfortable. It was a habit. Until, one day, I decided that I wanted more.
You'd think that day was all hearts, rainbows, unicorns and happy endings, right? Ah, the yoga chick decides she wants to be open, tell the truth and be present; cue up the crescendoing music and standing ovation as she happily skips off into the sunset. Wrong. That day was the end of all that I was familiar with. It was scary and heartbreaking and yet it was something that I knew was right for me. It was that deep knowing that got me through when I blew up my life, changing everything (yeah, I mean everything). My actions either elicited a "Wow, I so admire your courage. Go you!" or a "What the hell are you doing? Are you crazy? Wasn't what you had good enough?" response from the people in my life.
After the dust settled, I was left with a sense of relief, joy, and yes, heartache. I finally understood what it meant when folks say, "You're not heartbroken but broken open." Finally, I had gotten what I wanted, what I knew was right for me. And I felt uncomfortable, scared, and seriously vulnerable (that's what happens when you do things differently). Despite it all, I stayed open. What happened after that, the changes and the people and the things that showed up in my life...well, let's just say that it's been nothing short of magical.
Last week during my Rolfing session, my Rolfer said that he could tell I was a "yogini" because my body was balanced and open. That gave me a good chuckle. The fact is, I had been practicing yoga for years prior being mostly closed with only glimpses of openness. My life, while a good one, didn't exactly reflect openness. It felt safe. It was nice. It was comfortable. It was, in a word, empty. Emptiness and openeness aren't the same thing, that I can tell you.
So, when it comes down to it, do you choose open or closed? When you're on your mat, do you choose the comfort of the known or do you open just a little? Do you open to what your body is telling you or do you shut it down and go through the motions?
This past week, I've been doing something different in my yoga practice -- I've been practicing to music. My music of choice is Premal and Miten's Om Kama Pujitayei Namaha (rather than the version that I linked to here, I prefer the version offered on Day 20 of Premal and Miten's 21-Day Mantra Meditation Journey. You can download it here.). The first time I heard the mantra, I knew that I wanted to practice to it. Perhaps it's coincidence, but I noticed that I had the desire to practice to this mantra after my first Rolfing session, which focused on opening up my upper chest area. Iiiiiinteresting.
Lest you think that choosing openness was a blow-up-your-life-only-once-and-you-stay-open kind of thing, let me assure you that it's not. I still have to choose it every day, every moment. A few weeks ago, I needed to have a conversation with someone and I found myself resisting it. I was definitely choosing to stay closed. About 5 minutes before the call, I decided to choose open even though it was seriously uncomfortable for me. What happened after was beautiful and served as a reminder of why open is really the only choice for me every time, even when it's uncomfortable and scary.
Here's what I've been doing to support my choice of open each day:
Opening Your Eyes:
My Rolfer suggested something fascinating to me in our last session and I've been doing this all week during my yoga practice. He instructed me to imagine eyes on the soles of my feet (in the center below balls of the foot). He then had me open my "eyes" and notice the difference in sensation and feeling when they were open as opposed to closed. Warning -- you can get so focused on the imagery that you lose touch with the feeling. I suggest visualizing your eyes opening and then dropping it from your mind, focusing on feeling. Notice the quality of your yoga practice from this place. Are you sensing deeper? Are you more focused? What is your awareness of the position and movements of the parts of your body?
Opening Your Heart:
As explained above, I've been practicing to Premal and Mitra's beautiful rendition of the Om Kama Pujitayei Namaha, which feels heart opening to me. If you don't have access to the song, try this visualization (or choose a song that resonates with your heart and try practicing to it): imagine that there's a gate/door in front of your heart and visualize the door opening. Just like in the visualization above, do your practice with the visual of the door in front of your heart being wide open. If you'd rather something more kinesthetic, simply lie in Savasana with a bolster lengthwise starting at mid-back. Focus on feeling an opening in your chest.
Opening Your Mind:
This one can be a bit more challenging as we often get very attached to our ideas, beliefs, points of view. Just the other day I was having a conversation with someone in which I found myself getting annoyed. We were discussing something that happened years ago and I found myself heartily defending my point of view back then. My words had a very "I'm right" feel to them. My friend most likely felt my subtle -- or not so subtle -- attack and attempt to make him wrong and responded by defending his point of view. I realized how closed I was being and it occured to me: would I rather be right or would I rather have love? The truth behind that situation all those years ago was that I had not wanted to be right. In that moment all those years ago, I wanted my friend to show me love. It wasn't that I had wanted to make him wrong (not that you'd ever know that back then because I fought mightily to have him come around to seeing my point of view as the "right" one), I just wanted him to care about my feelings. But instead of focusing on my feelings, I chose to close down and fight to be right. I almost slipped into the same pattern during our recent phone call -- even after all these years have past. I was so invested in being right in that discussion that I missed what was really important, thereby botching my chance to stay open. In addition to taking a few deep breaths and tuning into body sensation, I like to ask expansive type questions to get my mind out of its groove: What is this really about? What meaning am I giving this? What else is possible?
Opening Your Body:
Often, when you open the above, the body follows. Of course I like a nice yoga practice myself, matching breath to movement (so there's no holding of the breath or forcing or pushing). I'm also a big fan of the breath for opening one's body. Here's a book excerpt that addresses this topic: Breathing Through the Whole Body. I like to scan my body, noticing where there's tension or an abundance of sensation and focus my breathing in that spot. Also, when I'm going about my daily routine or am practicing yoga, I try to bring awarness to whether or not I'm locking my joints. I have a tendency to lock my knees when I stand rather than keep a gentle bend in them. This causes all sorts of tightness and issues. I focus on softening while standing and while practicing yoga.
No, you don't have to the extreme route like I did and blow up your life to choose open over closed. Just start noticing what you're choosing (because even if you think you haven't been making a choice, trust me, you have been). And know that you don't have to do it all at once. Small steps. Small choices. Small eventually leads to big.
Namaste!
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