Sometimes it's crazy how much people effect people. It can be as simple as a few words or actions. I effect people on a daily basis when handing them a cup of coffee. They smile and walk away with cup of happiness. I wish more people in this world would think before they speak or before they act on the things that they do. We all would be so much happier. I can be really great at not letting things get to me but sometimes it just does.
Sometimes I wish for life to take things slow and some times I wish life will speed up.
Sometimes I obsess over the future. One year from now or ten years from now. Where will I be? What will I be doing? What does my hair look like? I dream of the things we will have and the things that we will have done. I picture what street we live on and what house we will live in. I want to do all the times I love and be with all the people that bring the most joy to my life. I can't wait to touch it when it's real.
Sometimes I want to sit down and write a book, the one that I have written in my heart. It's there but it's hidden. I know when the time is right it will make it's way out. I dream of it and when I wake it's like that hazy cloud you see in movies when they show something in a dream like state. It's a sad story with a happy ending and one that makes you wish it will never end. It will be unlike any story you've ever heard.
Sometimes I miss things of my childhood. I miss karate and the way I felt when in that place with those people who became a sort of family to me. It's funny because in every chapter in my life I always create these families. Some of them are lost and others I'll keep forever. I miss the smell of the air I breathed when I was a kid, I can almost smell it when I close my eyes, like fresh dew mixed with earth. I wish I knew back then to inhale it and never let it go.
Sometimes I want to walk up to the people that are no longer in my life and tell them why they are no longer in my life. Why I will never forgive them. Why even if they repent all their wrong doings that I still most likely would not forgive them because my forgiveness has been long forgotten. The trouble is, these people think that they have time.
Sometimes I look at my son and know that he will be something great. I look in to those dark marble eyes and wonder what he sees. I hope to teach him to be kind and to stand up for his thoughts. For him to follow his heart no matter where it might take him because this life is all we have. I will teach him to be himself in this big world that is always trying to make us be something else.
Sometimes it's never enough. I want a banjo and learn to play it. I want to learn how to speak French, build a chicken coop and take pictures of real wolves in their habitat. I want to find beautiful places that are hidden and secret. And I want to sit on my porch next to my husband with my hand in his and watch the night wash over us. Night after night, after night.
Sometimes I want to be still.