How are you? It's a question we've asked and answered countless times in our lives. It is uttered so frequently and so easily today that we almost do it unconsciously. It doesn't matter if you are friends of 50 years or you've never met the person and likely will never see them again. Why, then, do we bother asking, if we aren't actually all that interested in the response? The phrase serves as either a passing comment of recognition or an introduction to a more in-depth conversation that may or may not ensue. It is imprecise at best, and misleading at worst. Non-English speakers often struggle with the phrase for just this reason. Why am I being asked this question and then not expected to reply with anything other than "fine" or "good"?
There are references to the phrase "how are you" in the English language as far back as the late 1500s, and it appears more frequently in the 1600s. At times, variations such as "what are you doing?" and "how do you do?" appear. At other times, the phrase is finished with "in health" as a more specific inquiry. The phrase seems to have firmly cemented itself into the English lexicon by the 1700s. Today, we offer it to family, friend, acquaintance, and stranger alike. We proffer it with no real interest in an honest response.
It would also seem that perhaps our current call and response was at least partially born out of the move towards urbanization. In agrarian times, you would see someone far less frequently, and thus, the interest implied in the question was sincere. It was an opportunity to catch up, gather family news, etc. However, as we moved into the city and saw far more people on a regular basis, we simply didn't have the time to stop and chat with everyone we encountered. We still use the expression "he wouldn't give me the time of day" to refer to someone that wouldn't stop to chat.
So, fast forward to modern times and we still use the phrase. You'd think we would have come up with a more effective casual, passing greeting by now, but here we are nonetheless. No matter what might be going on in our lives, the response is always the same. There is rarely much in the way of follow-up, and the conversations remain shallow.
I've given this a good deal of thought in recent days with the passing of my mother, especially so close on the heels of the passing of my father. Grief is a painful, fickle beast and in some ways, I am anything but "fine". As a result, responding to the inquiry with "fine" or "good" has felt more like a lie than ever before. On a few occasions, I've managed to be honest in response, but really only with individuals I know well and/or I know we will be spending more time together to discuss, such as on a run. In other instances, the lie rolls off my tongue and I feel guilt for doing it, while also a bit of resentment that I have to in the first place. I hadn't realized until recently just how much of an uncomfortable choice these three words can force in someone else.
I have no delusions that the phrase is going to disappear from our lives anytime soon. However, I can commit myself to being more intentional with its use. If I'm going to ask "how are you?", then I want to make sure I have the time and space for an honest answer. In a social media fantasy world where it often seems as though everyone's life is happier and more exciting than our own, it's important to remember that people are always going through struggles we know nothing about. There is no expectation that we all serve as counselors or try to solve these problems, but it should be ok to share those concerns more openly. It doesn't take much to say "I'm really sorry to hear that" before we move on with our lives or move on to the remainder of the conversation.
If I ask "how are you?", please know that I mean it and I'm here to listen. You may indeed be "fine", but if you're not, that's ok too. I still want to know. I still want to listen.