"Happy Wednesday!"
I never wondered what guilt was or why I used it on others until I became sober. I never recognized it. I never thought I would use it as a tool to get my way, make someone feel bad or just to manipulate a situation. I never seemed to care about it. I never saw myself as guilty. I never seemed to think that guilt had anything to do with me. I never seemed to think I did anything wrong in order to feel guilt. I really didn't care to deal with guilt. "Oh boy,...did I have an elephant in every room I was in!"
When I was drinking I would just do things with no care in the world. When I was drinking if I had said something to you that hurt your feelings I felt that it was your fault. I refused to take the responsibility. When I was drinking and did something to you I refused to own up to it and blame you, guilt you and be mad at you. I refused to be wrong. When I was drinking, guilt was my way of refusing any responsibility, accountability and wrong doing I had done or said to someone. Guilt was the magic wand that seemed to make all the wrong doing that I had caused....disappear. So, I thought! Guilt was a way for me to control a situation I had no control over. So, I thought! Guilt was a way for me to control people. So, I thought! Guilt was a way for me to get out of my responsibility in a matter or fight. So, I thought! Guilt was a way to try to make me look good. So, I thought! Guilt was my tool!
When I became sober I never truly understood guilt the way I do now. When I became sober I never realized how many times I used guilt in order to avoid my own guilt I was truly having. I realized by all the times I used guilt in a situation or upon someone...I was the one who truly had the guilt! I was the one who was not dealing with my own guilt! I was the one who caused the guilt! I was the one with the guilt! It was a blessing in disguise...I see the guilt. I know about the guilt. I will not guilt anyone or any situation in order to gain control, pride, ego and all those other negative behaviors I thought at one time in my life as powerful and fulfilling! I can see guilt today whenever someone is trying to oppose it on to me. I can see when guilt is being worked in a conversation. I can see when guilt is being used in an argument. I can see when guilt is being applied to a situation in order to gain control, manipulation and self will run riot. I can see when guilt is used in order for the other to get out of a situation or responsibility they refuse to see or admit their wrong doing. I can see guilt!
Today, I am free of guilt! Today, I am sober! Today, I know guilt! Today, I am strong and know that if someone tries to guilt me I can just walk away and not engage in their guilt...and say a prayer for them. Today, I do not use guilt on anyone or situation. Today, I take responsibility, accountability and mostly courage to do what is right. Too do what is pure. Too not act selfish, manipulative and controlling of others. Too recognize when I have said something wrong or did something wrong and own up to it. I no longer need to use guilt or have guilt in my life. I no longer need to continue a conversation or argument when I see guilt is being used upon me. I can see guilt today and decide whether it is worth my peace and serenity to engage in a comment, email, conversation or discussion where guilt is being used and practiced by another person. I refuse to engage in guilt. If guilt is present...I will not be present! Guilt is self destructive, negative, controlling, manipulative and mostly disturbing to me. I am grateful I recognized my guilt! I am grateful I know guilt. I am grateful I no longer need guilt as a tool. I am grateful I dealt with my guilt. I no longer use guilt. I am at peace. I no longer need to control anyone or any situation. I have serenity!
Today, I will run guilt free in my heart and soul and know that I am free of guilt!
Sobriety Fitness by Cathy Shuba is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial-NoDerivs 3.0 Unported License.
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