Raise your hand if you've avoided a conversation with someone that you knew would devolve into a fundamental difference of beliefs. I think it's safe to assume we've all just gotten in a bit of a stretch at this point, eh? The fear of these conversations has seemingly been exacerbated in the past few years as more and more people look to better understand various aspects of social justice and anti-racism. In doing so, they quickly recognize the harmful beliefs they unknowingly grew up with courtesy of a family member or a friend. Thanksgiving dinner is no longer the only time we avoid those uncomfortable conversations.
Once most folks finish doing their homework and reading up on the history and theories they weren't taught in school about oppression, the obvious next question is "now what?" We want to feel like we are embodying the new values and commitments that we've come to realize are essential to societal change. That often means thinking about how we can impact change within our own spheres of influence.
This often means having seemingly difficult conversations with people close to us about uncomfortable topics or reflections on hurtful things that have been said or done. There is no shortage of information out there discussing bystander intervention, how to have conversations about race and racism (and every other -ism), and how to help educate others. Unfortunately, these conversations often end up with both parties become further entrenched in their beliefs.
When we feel threatened or attached, we put up cognitive roadblocks that prevent us from entertaining new ideas. We simply dig our heels in further. Instead, I would offer that taking a page out of the counseling world might prove useful. The concept of motivational interviewing was first introduced in 1983 by psychologist William R. Miller and further developed in partnership with psychologist Stephen Rollnick. It was designed as a method of helping people to commit to the difficult process of change. According to Rollnick, "the more you try to insert information and advice into others, the more they tend to back off and resist...put simply, this involves coming alongside the person and helping them to say why and how they might change for themselves."
Although most often used to address issues of addiction and health management (think smoking cessation or management of diabetes), the principles are similarly applicable to engaging in difficult conversations about race and racism, as well as other forms of oppression. The goal is to help people become more motivated to change the behaviors (think microaggressions and racist beliefs) that are preventing them from making healthier (i.e. better) decisions. In our case, that better choice is not committing microaggressions or spouting off sexist or discriminatory statements.
Motivational Interviewing (MI) is guided by 4 key principles. These are:
- Express Empathy- This is a principle that has obvious implications for social justice work. Although we may be struggling with the content of someone's beliefs or experiences, it's important that we listen and convey an understanding. We are establishing a common starting point from which to engage each other.
- Support Self-Efficacy- MI is grounded in the idea that people have the ability to change within them, even if previous attempts have failed. Perhaps you've tried talking to that racist uncle in the past, or other family members have tried. If they are choosing to engage in dialogue with us, then we have a responsibility to believe that they have the ability and willingness to see a different point of view.
- Roll with Resistance- These are not easy conversations. There is a lot of stigma (rightfully so) around being labeled as racist (insert other term here), and this may cause resistance before the conversation even begins. It's important to avoid becoming defensive or argumentative, and instead focus on helping the person understand for themselves how their words or actions could be harmful.
- Develop Discrepancy- In MI, the job of the therapist is to help the patient identify discrepancies between their present circumstances and their future goals. They help the patient recognize what they need to change to achieve their goals. In social justice dialogues, we can slowly help someone identify how their past beliefs may be incomplete, inaccurate, or misguided.
In going through this process to address harmful beliefs and actions, MI can help us avoid making the other person feel attacked. We can ask open-ended questions to encourage them to think more deeply about their beliefs and actions. Affirming their openness to conversation as a powerful gesture is important as well. In these dialogues, it's good to reflect back what they are saying, as it can often help us to better process when we hear our own thoughts. Ending these dialogues with a summary of what was discussed helps both parties to further encode the new learning into memory.
We often do ourselves a disservice by labeling these conversations as "difficult" or "dangerous". Interactions are not inherently either, and are dependent on the people involved, the motivations for engaging, and the willingness to listen and openness to change. Motivational interviewing can set us on the right path by ensuring we show up with an open mind and a genuine desire to listen, and not lecture.