Back before Men are from Mars and Women are from Venus came out, I was often accused of being sexist in my thinking. When I observed certain dynamics in the way women and men communicated- I would point out why this was so. Women and men have different hard wiring in their brains that creates these differences, period. This is NOT new information- I have certainly known and talked about this for years. However, a study has FINALLY been completed and published that validates this belief- and suddenly, it’s OK to see and acknowledge our differences.
Researchers at The University of Pennsylvania just published their brain connectivity study in the Proceedings of National Academy of Sciences. What they found were striking differences in the neural wiring of men and women’s brains. Essentially their findings showed wiring in males that was structured to facilitate connectivity between perception and coordinated action. Think immediate physical threat- and the need to run or stand and fight- with no time to weigh other issues or factors beyond the immediate danger. In contrast, the wiring of women’s brains facilitates communication between analytical and intuitive processes. Think, immediate danger, factor in choices for responding, consideration about who is also at risk, coming up with a plan of action, etc. In other words, women often apply multi-tasking- which could lead to deadly consequences.
If you compare these two, it’s obvious that males are wired to act quickly and find immediate resolutions to problems. They don’t take the time to consider feelings, look at different options or factor in anything that isn’t pragmatic and specific to addressing the problem. This helps to explain why guys can appear impatient with women when they want to talk about their feelings and talk through problems- often resisting immediate feedback or solutions that a guy offers. Women use a great deal more intuition. They factor in a number of variables and want to take time to process feelings. You could almost say that we think through to solutions using intuition over pragmatic reasoning- and are actually spot on a lot of the time. However, many men feel this is invalid, illogical and a waste of time. They can jump to the conclusion that she only wants to complain and not solve a problem and women in turn often believe he has no interest in their feelings and just doesn’t care about how a situation is impacting them. Both are wrong and right.
In my role as a couple’s therapist I point out these differences and how they shape our perceptions, problems solving approaches and overall behavior. When both individuals can better understand where the other is coming from, the negative assumptions and defensive behavior diminish and allow them to find a middle ground on which to communicate and work together.