There was a sharp knock at my door breaking the unending silence. Panic set in immediately as my mind raced.
Could it be someone coming to kill me? Was it one of those "creepy" neighbors looking to bug me? What the fuck was outside? Why were they bothering me? Why did they want to hurt me? Don't they see my blinds closed shut, don't they realize that I can't deal with the outside world? Don't they realize that I'm a worthless sack of shit that was afraid of my own shadow? Why the fuck is my world being invaded? Is the oven off? I haven't checked to make sure I turned off the stove, if I don't go now there might be gas filling my apartment, I might pass out from lack of oxygen, I might die.
Did I lock the front door? If I didn't lock the front door, anyone could come in and slit my throat. Are the windows closed? My blinds are taped correctly, I know there is a murderer outside ready to break in, kill me, rape my cat and end my miserable existence. Why did this happen to me?
Why is my life such a waste?
What did I ever do to deserve this?
Why can't I just die in peace?
Why the fuck was i born?
In the few minutes after first knock at my door, my mind had been overwhelmed by these thoughts. This was a common occurrence. A daily struggle that kept me trapped in that hole, constantly afraid of the outside world, constantly worrying about my impending death, constantly wondering why I had ended up in such a pathetic place.
Who knew this knock would be the turning point in my life, breaking myself free from the confines of my mind, the negativity, paranoia, fear and depression. At the time, I had no clue what was in store for me. All I could think about was the fact that my "world" was being invaded and my life was ending. For two years I had escaped from reality, given up on life and conceded to a worthless life. I had dropped out of graduate school, gained a tremendous amount of weight, stopped showering, stopped caring, spending my waking hours watching TV, playing video games and writing long blog posts about my life. I was a shell of my former self, a prisoner in my own mind.
My parents had given up, I had given up hope. But just outside my door was the key to me breaking free from this prison.
HOPE.
It's been three years since that life changing moment in my life. At the time I could never have imagined how much life would have changed, I could never have imagined the person I was about to become. I've lost a tremendous amount of weight, I wake up everyday with a smile on my face, my mind free of paranoia and filled with positivity, happiness, ambition, love and more importantly HOPE.
I'm now a business owner, I have a goal in life, people who love me and a reason to live. This is my life, my journey from the brink of despair and darkness. It's not easy to make a radical change in your life, but it's possible!! A radical change in your life is just a door-knock away and this blog which was once a journal of my despair is now a guidebook for change.
I hope that you take some time to read through my past blog posts which will always be here and join me on this new journey to self-realization. If I could break free from the prison of my mind you can to!
David.