We all have hated upon our autocorrect when texting, emailing or other text-based functions on our allegedly-smart phones. “Fuck you, Autocorrect!” we scream from our cube farms. You might have been dumped in advance when you open with a flirty ‘Want to have fun later?’ and your evil phone corrected it to ‘Want to have fuck later?’ Hero to zero at the speed of light. Not that I’d know about that.
Drunk texting aside, it pays to check before punching that envelope icon. Measure twice, cut once and such. But what does all of that correcting say about you? I’m saying that maybe, because these autocorrect systems work on your texts and email typing (done with one fat finger)(not that I’m saying you’re fat)(I’m saying you’re an inaccurate spaz), your phone might be trying to tell you something. Some suggestions:
TYPED: ‘a’
CORRECTED: ‘assmunch.’ You are an angry human and need counseling. Alternately, you engage in some odd fun time practices.
~or~
CORRECTED: ‘anal.’ That shit is dangerous. Alternately, you really ought to have at least the first hour of a date under your belt before you suggest the backdoor hammertime, or else nothing will touch that.
TYPED: ‘so’
CORRECTED: ‘sorry.’ You need to man- or woman-up and grow a pair of reproductive glands.
TYPED: ‘later’
CORRECTED: ‘latex gimpsuit and cock ring.’ You clearly are in touch with your inner desires, no matter how fringe they are. Consider a separate phone for your extracurricular ‘friends.’
TYPED: ‘fine’
CORRECTED: ‘fired.’ You are a Trump-esque manager who needs to know how to engage in positive team building. Lose the comb-over and calm the hell down. It’s bad form to fire someone by text or email. Do something about your testosterone.
~or~
CORRECTED: ‘fine.’ You’re a 20-something woman in an argument with your S.O. You’re just fine, really. No, really.
TYPED: ‘sex’
CORRECTED: ‘Season 5, Episode Six, Star Trek the Next Generation.’ Don’t worry, nobody you accidentally sext will understand what the hell you’re talking about anyway. Enjoy ComicCon, and Live Long, and Prosper. Your Klingon costume is bitchen… ka’plah!
TYPED: ‘did’
CORRECTED: ‘dick.’ You should know that transmitting those pictures is a federal offense. You are a member of the House of Representatives.
TYPED: ‘first’
CORRECTED: ‘fisting.’ Again, you engage in unusual and fringe practices. You likely wear adult diapers.
TYPED: ‘did’
CORRECTED: ‘dildo.’ You’re lonely and in need of some human companionship. Alternately, you’re a woman.
TYPED: ‘just’
CORRECTED: ‘Jesus, Our Savior.’ Get off of my fucking porch before I shoot, assmunch. I disconnected the doorbell for a fucking reason.
TYPED: ‘bowl’
CORRECTED: ‘bowl.’ You are a resident of Washington or Colorado and we envy you. Dick.
TYPED: ‘you’
CORRECTED: ‘YOLO.’ You are under the age of 20 and the reason Micronesia will someday invade and conquer this country. And Canada, our hat, will laugh at us.
Hope you’ve enjoyed a sojourn into the realm of your phone’s mind, whatever that is. Since someone under 20 will need to know, I have an Android. And none of these have cropped up on my phone.