What I Eat

Contrary to popular beliefPeople with eating disorders do like foodSpeaking only for myselfI love foodI mean really love itGod help the person that comes between me and my foodI tend to go through phases of eating a certain foodI become slightly obsessed with said foodAnd eat it until I move on to the next obsessionAt the moment My foods are salt and vinegar Hunky Dory chipsAnd Nestle MilkybarsI literally eat them all day longI go through five family size Milkybars a dayAnd two family size packs of chipsAnd I would eat more if there was moreBut I try on out a limit on it
I don't eat breakfast And if I do It's a few squares of chocolateI don't really eat lunch eitherPreferring to snack on my favorite foodsI do eat dinner thoughI love dinner Today I am making beef stewIt's only 11am And I am already looking forward to itI can get slightly obsessed over my dinner tooAnd like to know way in advance what I am havingSo I tend to drive my family nuts Asking them what is for dinner like two days in advance 
I don't profess to be the healthiest person in the worldAnd I am no poster girl for recoveryYou are probably wondering how I am not 300 pounds if I eat all that junk foodWellThe simple answer to thatIs that not everything that goes down stays downYesI admit itI do purge stillIn fact it never went awayAnd I'm not sure if it ever will
As you know up until about a year agoI was binging and purging up to 20 times a dayIt was off the scale Yes my bulimia had improved a lotBut I still purge 2-5 times a dayWhich by anyone's standards is still a lot But for me it's progressThe thing isI am starting to wonder if this is as good as it gets for me?Is this recovery?Am I destined to always have my ED in my life?Managing it but never quite getting on top of it?I mean I am the best I've been in a long time Eating disorder wiseBut I know things could be a lot betterThe way things areI have one foot in my EDAnd one foot in recovery Stuck somewhere in the middleNot committing to either one
And the other thing is I'm not sure if I want to leg go completely of my EDI meanI am quite content the way things areBut maybe I am fooling myself I don't quite know
I was sharing at a meeting the other dayHow my base mood level is lower than averageIn that my everyday mood is lower than the average person My tendency is to be negativeThink negatively I've a tendency to be maudlin and morose I'm not a naturally happy or optimistic person I'm not happy all the timeI get glimpses of it from time to timeBut it is not a constant thing So feeling the way I am now is goodFor me
I'm seeing Mary tomorrowSo I will talk to her about this Although I know what she will sayThat full and complete recovery is possibleAnd that I can live a life without my EDI'm not convinced But I won't rule it out


I was wondering about youDo you consider yourself to be in recovery?What does recovery mean to you?Do you think that complete recovery is possible?I'd love to know ....