I hadn't seen her in a few weeks
So I had prepared her for the fact that I had gained weight
I was nervous to meet her
Afraid of what she would think of my weigh gain
She laughed when she saw me
She said that she could see no weight gain
And I trust this girl
She wouldn't lie to me
Part of me was relieved
But another part of me was frustrated
I have re-gained weight
That is a fact
The scale doesn't lie
But everyone around me insists that they can't see it
I can
Why can't they?
My friend said that I look great
It's hard to hear that
Because that means I am getting better
That means that I am further away from my eating disorder
That is hard to take and I am not entirely sure why
You would think that I would be glad to see the back of it
But instead it makes me sad
Like I am grieving for the loss of it
I am still getting used to my new body
Thankfully I have clothes in every size under the sun so I am prepared for every eventuality
Most of my 'anorectic' clothes still fit
They just fit differently
I am so used to my clothes being baggy
I don't like it when they fit snugly
I have a favorite pair of anorectic jeans
I bought them in France
They are teeny tiny
At my lowest weight I had to hold them up with a belt
I love them because the denim is so soft
But I don't wear them anymore
They still fit
But now they hug my figure and I don't like it
I deliberately got a tan this summer
I just think that brown flabby skin looks better than white flabby skin
It's making it bearable to be this weight
Sometimes I am ok with the weight
And sometimes I just want to unzip my skin and step out of it
I feel so different
Now I feel just like any other normal girl
There is nothing different or spectacular about me
I guess that is one of the reasons I held on to my illness
Because it made me different
I liked being different
I don't like being average
I don't like being just another face in the crowd
Every day I fight the temptation to restrict
To lose weight
To fall head first down the rabbit hole
I may have another relapse in me
But I don't have another recovery
Relapse takes so much out of me
Whether it is drugs, drink or my eating disorder
It's mentally and physically exhausting
And it's so hard to come back from that
When I was chatting to my friend the other night, I asked her of she thought she would ever use again
She said that she didn't have another relapse in her
That it would kill her
I was honest
I admitted that part of me thought I had another round of addiction in me
That I may relapse
I really shouldn't think that way because what we believe we manifest
But I have to be honest
Part of me thinks that when I parents die I will head for oblivion again
I don't want to
But I don't know if I will be able to stop myself
As for my eating disorder
I know that can sneak up on me
And I'm not aware of it until I am in it up to my neck
I need to find more reasons to recover
To live
I need to have people in my life that I want to live for
I need to have a purpose
A raison d'etre
Like armor against my demons
Does that makes sense?
I need to feel useful
I need places to go
People to see
Obligations to fulfil
I need to fill the hole that my ED and my addiction have left
For homework for my mindfulness course I have to write my ideal life story
An essay of the way I would love my life to be
I don't want much
I just want to feel peace of mind
I want to feel that I want to live
And I don't want to die
I want to feel able to live in reality
To be able to cope without resorting to drink or drugs or food
I want to love and be loved
I want to have many animals
I want to help others
I want to work at a job that I love
I want to laugh loads
I want to feel comfortable in my own skin
To accept my body
To accept and like myself
Flaws and all
I don't want much
Just a life that I can bear
A life that I don't want to numb
A life that makes me happy
Anyway I digress
Here is my weight progress.............
March 6th 2014
May 15th 2014
June 21st 2014