I feel this is the first time this week that I have properly sat down and caught up on blogs
I even feel that I have been neglecting my own blog
Usually I post every single day
Usually I always have things that I can't wait to write about
And I'm on the computer first thing every morning
For some reason
This week
It's been hard
I've kind of deliberately stayed away
I guess there are a few reasons for this
First
I just haven't felt like I have anything of importance to say
About my ED
About recovery
About life
Second
Now that I am feeling a bit better
And I am actually feeling my feelings
Sometimes I feel overwhelmed by all the girls suffering here on blogger
For every recovery blog
There are 10 girls who are in the midst of a battle with their ED
It can become too much sometimes
And I can't stand to see so many beautiful and talented girls held captive by this cruel illness
It's upsetting
I feel helpless
Sometimes I feel hopeless
I used to tell myself that I my blog was helping people
That I was making a difference
In helping to fight this battle against EDs
But now I'm not so sure
I read an article last week
About how younger and younger children are becoming eating disordered
I despaired after reading it
I really felt like 'What is the point?'
What is the point in fighting
What is the point in any of this
It's really disheartening when it seems that more people want to read about my demise
Rather than my recovery
Why is that?
I have thought about starting a new blog
A clean slate
But I have done that before
Twice I have started new blogs over on Wordpress
And twice I came back to And then she disappeared
I always come back
Because this blog means something to me
It feels like home
And you all feel like family
This blog has documented my life for the past two and a half years
Every little detail has been recorded here
To walk away from that in unthinkable
I guess I am going through a transition
My body
My mind
I am not quite free of my ED
And no where near recovered
Every day I ask my Mother am I fat
Every day she says no
But I am not convinced
I look back on the photos that I posted this week
And I barely recognize myself
It's disconcerting
I flip between hating my body
To, on a good day, being able to accept it
Weighing is out of the question at the moment
I can barely look in the mirror
Never mind stand on a scale
My Mother keeps telling me to be patient
To hang in there
That I am doing all the right things
And my body will find it's own set point
I'm trying
I am
It's hard
But I know it will be worth it
It has to be
I have another worry that's playing on my mind
My darling little dog Honey seems to be developing eye trouble
Last week we noticed a cloud on her left eye
I brought her to the vet
At first she thought it was a cataract
Which can cause blindness
There is an operation that can be done
But it costs thousands
Then when the vet looked at Honey;s eye with a light
She wasn't so sure
So I don't really know what is wrong with Honey
And not knowing is wrecking my head
The vet gave me drops to put in her eyes three times a day
Honey is not impressed with that
But Honey is a tough cookie
She is a bad ass
It will take more than this to beat her
She is stubborn just like me
A force to be reckoned with
I guess it reminds me that my dogs are getting older
And they won't be around forever
I can't imagine life without Honey and Lea
But I can't think about that
All I can do is enjoy them now
Here are some photos of my faithful friend Honey