ApologiesI know I haven't been great at replying to emails or comments recentlyAnd I know some of you are worried I am okOr at least I will beI just feel so stupidSo silly that I thought I could lose a few pounds and leave it at that I'm now at the weight I wanted to beBut is it the weight my body wants to be?I'm not so sureI almost feel like I've been dupedOr tricked by my EDBy my own mind She tempted me with the usual false promises That I will be happierThinnerPrettier More successful If i just lost a few pounds What really gets me is that I fell for itI didn't even see it coming I really thought that I was in controlI mean honestly I am/was in early recovery How could I have possibly thought that losing weight was a good ideaBut at the same timeI don't want to give myself too hard a timeBecause that can feed in to the disorder tooI know I need to regroupRefocus Learn from this Mistake And get back on track
I've been on my own for the last few days And it's been utter bedlam My dogs look at me going from to bathroom They sense that I'm not fully presentBecause I'm not I'm all over the shopMy thinking My behaviours My mood Anxiety And I feel like utter horse shitI'm dizzy I'm lethargic My body feels like it's taken a beating Probably because it has
I haven't heard from Mary yet I'm sure she's busy But I hope I hear from her soon I can't go on like this It will kill me I know it will
I really appreciate all of you who have left comments, texts and emailsThank you And you make so much senseI know I am fighting against what my body wants and needs Maybe I am meant to be a little bigger than this What is wrong with that?It seems that is fine for others But not for me I hold myself to a different standard I need to stop doing that
So I am okI'm here Still fighting And not giving up....