I have written often over the course of the last few years on my blog about the painful estrangement of my eldest son from the family for over three years.
I wrote first about it
in January of 2014 HERE.
It had been going on a while by then
and
missing him so bad over the holidays left me having to
be transparent with our situation.
To let the pain out.
My writing was meant with such love, support and understanding
I can still reread those comments even today
with such a grateful heart for the extreme compassion and encouragement that was shown
and
continues to be shown when I write honestly
about such a painful topic.
The next time I wrote of the Estrangement
it was all about learning to
find Gratitude in the midst of heartache
and
to practice self kindness
HERE
Next I wrote about
Sharing Our Stories
in my Series of Writing the Blog You Want to Read
HERE
In this post I wrote about
really learning Unconditional Love.
Here I wrote about disconnected writings
as I realized my blog would continue to be an online journal of my 'real life'
as well as one sharing styling beauty.
Having pain in your life
can me a motivator to actively seek beauty.
I will list the other posts
at the end of this one for those that are interested.
In the last yearI have also written about the beginnings ofUntangling of the Estrangementwhich started with a Pit Bull Miracle.
With a family situation so painful and close to my heartI have been very careful about what to sharebut now with positive backing from my sonI can say the estrangement has come to an end.
I want to share our storyin the hopes I can offer support and encouragementto anyone elsewalking the painful path of estrangement.
Looking backI remember vividly how the estrangement began.It wasn't one simple blowoutbut a string of situations that seemed to become harder and harder …on both side.
How it started to me is not the story.
Rather this story is about how the estrangement ended.It was not an overnight change.But rather a process that literally took years.
For meit probably began to get betterwhen I could forgive myself.
The first year of the estrangementwas all about anger for me.Anger at him.For doing 'this'.For meAnger felt more empowering at least for a whilethan acknowledging the utter pain of being rejected by someone you loved so much.
When I let the pain init took me to my knees.The pain was overwhelmingespecially the year none of us heard from him.I wondered it I would ever see him again.We would have three Christmas's without him.
for years every time the landline rangI feared grim news.
In the most painful yearI began to go over everything in my mind.Where had I gone so very, vey wrong to have caused this dreadful family circumstance.
After much soul searchingI realizedI had indeed made many mistakes regarding my relationship with my son.
Then I got to a place where I forgave myself.
I realized mistakes or not
I had done the very best I couldwith what I knew at the time.
Living that year on my kneesI realizedto keep livingI had to give myself Grace.
And the beauty of learning to give oneself grace is thatyour heart changesand automatically your heart gives Grace to others.
If I had been doing
The best I couldwith what I knew at the time
Then so was Slater.
In that realizationthere was no longer reasonfor angerat myself or him.
We had both been doing
the very best we couldwith what we knew at the time.When I got to that realizationI saw I could make a new choicegoing forward toLove unconditionally without expectation.
I could change my intention.
I could quit 'keeping score' in my headthat he did thisorI did that.
I could just choose the action of unconditional love.I realized I could never control another's actionsand that my job herewas to live my life in an integritywhere I knew my God and I were good.
For methat was a seismic internal shift.
So fast forward a year laterwhen a miracle pit bull brought hime back for the dayI could just love on himwithout bringing our tumultuous past to the table.
I had realizedthat it was up to me as his motherto demonstrate unconditional lovewithout expectationif we were ever to move forward.
As our relationship progressedI had to sit quietlyand really listen to what was on his heartwithout wanting to defend myself.
When I really listened to his heartI realized just how similar we wereand how much I had miscommunicated my immense love for my son.
It was his courage to be emotionally honestthat enabled he and I to begin to move forwardwith honest determination and compassion.
It had been my hope every since my daughter's engagementthat Slater would be at the weddingas much for his sake to realize what an intragal part of the familyhe always will beas for the rest of our familyto feel whole again.
And of course as his mother
I definitely wanted my son
and
our whole family to be present for the wedding of our daughter.
Slater was not only at the weddingbut Slaterwas truly my Wedding Hero.It was with his support, love and encouragementthat I was able tonot only get though the rehearsal dinner and weddingbutto be able to show up for the wedding as the loving family matriarch that I was hoping to be.
I am truly grateful for his love and support
during such an emotional event.
That memory of his love and support
will live in my heart forever.As Slater was walking me down the aisle
of Ellis's weddinghe said"did you ever think last year,we'd be here'.
I hadn't even had the courageto hope that we'd truly be'where we are'.
I am so very proud of the man my son has become.
Our journey has been a tumultuous one.
But just like when I had cancerand came out of that frightening journey so much a better a soul
with
gratitude at the end for the lessons learned on the journey.
I am grateful for how my soul and heart
have grown
and
the lessons I have learned on the excruciating journey through estrangement.As painful as the estrangement has beenI am a better person through it all.
And now have nothing but compassion for all of us
who navigate relationships with family.
I offer
the Storyof my son and Iand our ability to Untangle Our Estrangementin hopes to encourage others walking a similar path.
I remember in my darkest daysof our estrangementfeeling so hopeless.But now I knowwith lots of love, patienceand really listeningand a whole bunch of Grace
Estrangements sometimes can be Untangled
ending with a much improved relationship
and
much love and respect for each other.
Slater thank you for your emotional braveryand for truly being my Wedding Heroduring such an important family time.Much love my dear.Much Love.
As always my friends
I wish you love and joyas you style your life
Final posts on Estrangement
Finding the Magic In Life - Learning to see life's magic
even in the midst of heartache.
Self Care During the Holidays