i’m several things—
the sky opening up, a door closing, a vibration, another vibration,
more vibrations.
on the worst day of my life i ate a sandwich
and drank a glass of milk
like a fuckin dweeb.
i feel like a girl in the way that clouds feel like water.
i feel like the luckiest leaf in the world.
my hands come together of their own accord
and do things
like watch and listen for all of the changes
that are always approaching.
i live in the light of god
and i have nightmares every time i sleep
about running into my dad in public
with makeup on my face
paint on my nails
woman in my heart.
i’m going to die one day and he will too
he doesn’t care because heaven is waiting.
i think of a darkness that goes on forever
except i don’t think that’s true
non-existence is probably grey
it probably feels like nothing.
i hope i come back as myself at age five
and do a bunch of cool shit
and don’t fuck up my early twenties so spectacularly.
i am a bike lane in the center of my own mind.
it’s going to rain, i can feel it
i know because i am happy
the sky’s going to look beautiful as fuck
the trees are going to give the falling drops
something to make music with themselves on.
i’m a baby who has been alive for twenty six years.
i’m rolling around on my back making dinosaur noises.
i’m trying to believe anyone could ever think i’m cool.
the second coolest thing about me is how gay i am.
the coolest thing about me is that i am a woman.
everything i love about myself is everything
we are taught to hate and disregard.
how cool is that?
i’m a sculpture of a goddess
accidentally carved into the side of a cliff
by millions of years of pounding ocean waves
so much pain and salt
so much water and life.
hell yeah.
i used to want to die every day
but now i want to live.
i want to be all of the things i am
all at once until i die.
i want to feel everything.
/ /
i briefly considered not being a person. i tried to wrap my hands around the dark.
i built a skyscraper in the middle of the ocean and
you wouldn’t believe it but i lived there for four hundred years.
the sound of an old door doing its thing twisted something inside me.
i am woman, hear me cry into my pillow every night.
‘the way things are’.
we find spaces to crawl towards and into, keep the light longing in the distance.
wait for it to fall.
i’d burn a book and a flag in the same pile, i don’t give a fuck. i gave up on thinking that words helped anything
a long time ago. who cares. i am falling asleep. who cares. all that matters is
love. the sun rises on the same side every day and water goes all over the place.
everything hurts. help me make it hurt less. show me that being a person isn’t something to run from.
/ /
joshua espinoza is extremely gay. themes she tackles in her writing include how fucked up it is to have a body, and being extremely gay. you can find more of her work at blankslate.tumblr.com