It never fails in this country; there’s always some party-pooper going out of his way to make sure that every last fun thing is sought out and removed from our lives. This time its the Health Hippies – bawling on about Twinkies. Preservatives this and cholesterol that…
Blah Blah Blah!
When exactly did a little bit of self-indulgence become such a grievance offense in this society?
At some point an idea was born that we should all stop eating junk food. From there, standard protocol: Twitter petitions, then the picketing, then the overturned cars and angry people throwing rocks in the streets, then government action – dissecting and microscoping a confiscated Twinkie, and then eventually the abolishment of all Hostess products…
There’s only one person to blame!
Commentary about the Dr. Oz Fiber Diet.
When Dr. Ozmotron pranced into the spotlight in his neon blue scrubs, preaching about Walnuts and high-colonics, I knew it was only a matter of time before Hostess would shit out its last greasy, golden, cream-filled pastry from Heaven. Its all his fault. Him and his very alluring and very well-manicured eyebrows.
However, if you ask Dr. Chowderhead about the Twinkie he’ll tell you that it’s the most delectable quazi-pastry to ever hit market shelves. Throw a Twinkie and a Green Apple into one of those Juice Magic Machines – or whatever the fuck they’re called – and PRESTO – all your vitamins and fat in one frothy slurp.
I’m crying out right now, people – begging that this nonsense be stopped. Stop buying stock in the gummy vitamin corporations! Start buying stock in duct tape! Seek out and tape the mouths of these nuts before we’re left with nothing but bran-burgers and prune shakes!
Well, that explains a lot…
If I hear one more Twinkie-dig, somebody’s gonna get slapped in the face with one.
(Angrily spits on ground)
—–Related L.A.P. posts on Twinkies: Omawarisan on Twinkies Justin Gawel on TwinkiesBrainRants on TwinkiesMonk Monkey on TwinkiesChristopher De Voss on TwinkiesMike Calahan on Twinkies