You know that rhyme
Monday's child is fair in faceTuesday's child is full of graceWednesday's child is full of woe Thursday's child has far to goI can't remember the rest of itI was born on a MondaySo according to the rhyme I am fair of faceI would argue the toss over that point I've never been particularly pretty And I've definitely never been one of the beautiful people You the ones TallThin TonedTannedPerfect hair and teethFlawless skin Effortless styleNoHaving come to terms with the fact that I will never be one of themI am happy to sit somewhere between plain and quirky
I've accepted that I will never a supermodel be
And that's ok
I know I have other things to rely on
Like personality
I am quite shy by nature
And I don't show my true self until I know you very very well
This is why I love blogging and writing
Because I can get the words out at my pace
For me
Speaking in front of people can be nerve wracking
I struggle in groups of people
I'm always afraid of saying the wrong thing
Or worse
People laughing at me
Because what I have said is stupid
But don't hold that against
I really try to be a good person
And am sarcastic and funny when I feel completely comfortable
My family thrives on making fun of each other
So you have to have a tough skin to survive
I think my shyness comes from a lack of confidence and self esteem
I look at my mother and father
They are both very well read and educated
And able to hold their own in an intelligent conversation
They read a voracious amount
Keep up to date with current affairs
They are articulate
With an extensive vocabulary
I want to be more like them
They are incredible role models
Anyway Today is TuesdayAnd it being a bank holidayI am in with the doctor this morning Usually the surgery is full the day after a bank holiday But today I was the first and only one in I took a seatAnd waited to be called Which I was fairly promptly This morning my doctor and I talked about various subjects Such as the 100 year anniversary of the Easter rising Our president And psoriasis My own psoriasis is pretty bad at the moment On my hands, legs, ears and scalp It's horrible because I am a pickerAnd so am always scratching it and making it worse The look of it doesn't bother meOr at least it didn't bother me up until now But at the moment it is so angry and red that I can't help but be a bit self conscious And what with with summer just around the corner I want to be able to get my arms and legs out at least once in a while So my doctor prescribed me some lotion and ointment So hopefully that will help My doctor asked if I was willing to decrease my methadone todayI asked for a weeks graceHe reluctantly agreed I am still worried about coming off my meds Though not as concerned as I once was As my life becomes more fullI feel less need to rely on my meds I get naturally tired now From being active And that is an amazing feeling I have to admit though I am struggling with meetings at the moment I haven't been to one in a week nowI'm supposed to be going today But I'm not quite sure if I will make it This always happens me At first I am all enthusiastic and gung hoThen it becomes like hard work And I start to pull away But It's just something I need to work through I'm ok I'm doing ok I don't need to panic just yet
In other news My food is going a bit better I am now managing breakfast and lunch without purging Fair enough I am eating the same thing every dayBut that's what I can manage at the moment And that's ok As long as I don't purge I don't include my evening meal in that As I still struggle with itBut I'm working on itAnd that is the main thing I'm not weighing either No good can come of it I am going by how I feel rather than what the scale says And I feel pretty goodMy clothes fitI don't feel big I feel well, normal I guess I feel like I am at a normal healthy weight for my height I feel strong and capable and ableI feel ok in my skinSo that's an improvement no?
Tomorrow I am going to help out at the pony camp My nephew is also coming with meAnd we are going to have a lesson in the afternoon I'm really looking forward to it As I am going to be cantering for the first time!And that is super exciting!I've never cantered before And it's great to be making progress so quickly I'm hoping that horses and animals in general Is something that my nephew and I can have in common He is fifteen now And it's easy to drift apart So to be doing something together is great And hopefully we can keep it up
So All in all Things are pretty good My mood is stable My meds are on trackI sleep well I eat well for the most part I feel hopeful and positive about the future I am slowly but surely carving out a life for myself Dare I say it I am starting to like myself Look I've made more than a few mistakes in my life In fact I've made some real whoppers I've hurt a lot of people over the years During my addiction And the worst of my ED yearsI left a trail of destruction in my wake Even as recently as last year I made the stupid mistake of shoplifting from a local shopAnd worse Was caught I now recognize that as one of the turning points for me I was mortified to be caught stealing That's not me And it certainly taught me a hard lessonI haven't done it sinceThankfully the shop owner did not involve the policeI know I was extremely lucky that she gave me a chance Since then I've thought about going back in to that shopApologising And asking to be allowed back in As I love that shopAnd I miss going in there I will do something I just haven't decided what next I've always been someone who learns lessons the hard wayYou can't tell me anything I have to find it out for myself That can be a good and a bad thing But it's just the way I am
That's it from me today I'm off to try and get my ass to a meeting Hope all is well with you guysAnd see you on the next post....