I had a bit of a meltdown after my last post
Convinced that I had gained a substantial amount of weight in the last 3 days
I tried on all my clothes
And came to the conclusion that I was indeed fat
I decided to take drastic measures
And decided to do a fast
A water fast no less
I was feeling quite manic and stressed
And generally that I had no control over my food and my weight
My sister sat me down and gave me a good talking to
This is why I love my sister
She is honest with me
Even when it's hard to hear
And as you know
I really appreciate honesty
She told me in no uncertain terms that a fast was a ridiculous idea for someone with an ED
She even said 'That is your anorexia talking'
Gosh she has been listening and reading
Then she told me that I was eating far too much chocolate
We then worked out that I was eating 2000kcals a day in CHOCOLATE ALONE!!
I knew I was eating a lot
But I had blocked out the actual amount
So that was a shock to say the least
We had a very honest talk
I told her that I don't keep down every thing that I eat
And that I really want to get my diet under control
We decided that tomorrow we are going to make a meal plan
We're going to work out the calories
And for the moment I am going to cut out crisps and chocolate
Not forever
Just until I feel I can manage it
I am also going to eat at the table
And with others
No eating in the living room
No eating in front of the tv
No eating in between meals
I need these rules
I need the structure
Because at the moment there are no rules
I am all over the place
And it is driving me up the freakin' wall people!!
I don't want to use my ED to get my food under control
I don't want to be bony and skinny
I don't want to be unhealthy
I want to be fit
Healthy
Toned
I want to be strong
I don't want to be that weak and listless person I was for so many years
If I am honest
Then yes, I do want to lose a little bit of weight
But I know that is dodgy territory
So I am hoping that if I look after my diet
Then my weight will look after itself
So for dinner tonight
We made vegetarian chilli
With kidney beans and black beans
I ate a small bowl
I felt really full after
But my sister had worked out the calories and it was under 200
So that eased my mind
I managed not to purge
That is the first meal I have not purged in ages
Result!
Now I just need to carry on like this
I need to do this
I need to take control of my life
And that starts with my food
It's time to take action
To reclaim my body
And be the best person that I can be
Thank you to everyone who commented and made suggestions on my last post
Thank you for your understanding
And your honesty
Your words are appreciated so much