I don’t want to dance around the subject anymore, or pretty it up with metaphors or stories. It is time to talk about Time Management.
Yes, that’s right- Time Management. Doesn’t that just make you go wet at the very idea? Me neither!
Still, it is a rather important topic to look at, I believe.
For many poly people, life is directed by one’s google calander. I think Emma would be lost without hers. I know for sure I would be hopeless without mine. My life changed this week when I found an app for my iPhone that allows me to see my google calander in a full week view. I digress. Back to the topic at hand.
In my last post I talked about the differences between polyamory and polysexuality. I left off with a handy diagram, so here it is again:
Love, Sex, Relationship. Three separate, yet often concurrent, phenomena.
We are geared towards expecting to always be able to have all three aspects simultaneously- that is, after all, the Disney Fantasy. Reality is, however, that they are three different layers which we can experience separately or simultaneously, and in differing degrees. And, we can experience all three with the same person, but at different times. Remember, it is entirely okay to have relationships where you are more interested in Sex than Relationship, or ones where you predominantly want to explore the spiritual-emotional side of things (ie, love). It’s all good. I think one of the keys to time management- and consequently, happier, more fulfilling relationships- lies in understanding this.
Old paradigm date-night scenario: go to dinner (builds relationship), go to movies (hold hands, snuggle, building affection), go home and have sex. Done. Easy, right? Surely being poly just means doing more of the same?
Ah, if only it were that simple. It’s certainly not when you are seeing three or more people who are also each involved with three or more people.
So, why fight it, I say. Let’s innovate!
I’m playing with finding new ways to explore building relationships and building affection with the special people in my life whom I am attracted to, even when I have no idea when we will have sex (time to have sex seems to be the hardest thing for me to find, as ‘quickies’ just do not satisfy me in the slightest). I am conscious that this is what I am doing. Social events, yoga classes, dance parties, work-break lunches, university theater shows, morning coffee- I am cramming my schedule with day time opportunities to connect, not just with the people I am currently seeing- also the other people in my life who are important to me, and the ones I want to connect with more. And, I still get to have a regular social life! Yay me! I have given up on the idea of getting to explore all three things simultaneously all the time. I’m embracing that there is order within my chaos, and really loving the dance that’s unfolding- one that actually means I might have the capacity for many more relationships than I had previously thought.
I will stop here, before I ramble. I have a hunch I may return to this topic at some point.
In summary- I recommend getting to know what levels of connection you are feeling in any relationship. Communicate, make sure you are on the same page, and then strategize your time and activities so that, whatever the dynamic is between you and another person, you can absolutely rock it, and make it the most awesome it can be, and thereby rock all your relationships, and support all your partners to rock all their relationships too.
yup. do that.