I'm just back from seeing MaryWhich was such a relief to see her I was early for my appointmentAnd had just sat down in the waiting roomWhen she popped her head around the corner We got straight down to businessAnd she asked how I am doing With my words in a jumbleTrying to make senseI told her about struggling recently Losing weightLosing my mind My mood dippingMy purging increased She said that in all likelihood My mood dropping And purging more are connected As if I'm purging moreThen I'm not getting the benefit of my meds It then becomes a viscous circle Of one feeding the other
We talked about what I'm doing with my days Which is very little these days And I know that's a huge problem for meI don't have anything to fill my days So inevitably I end up getting myself in some sort of trouble The devil makes work for idol hands and all that We talked about the support groups And how they help me when I go We made a list of things for me to do Before I see her next weekWhich includes a meal planShopping list Check out the local writing groupThe Womens centre Volunteering And possibly part time work For the first time in a long time I actually feel motivatedTo get back on track To realize my potentialAs Mary said It's a big wide world out there And it's there for me to explore
I had gone so low recently That everything seemed like an effort I spent my days at homeAnd if I did go out I was always anxious to get home Now that I've spoken to MaryI feel a bit clearer in my mind what I need to doSometimes that's all it takesFor someone else to gently guide you in the right directionEveryone is always telling me that I have great potential And that's all very wellBut what does that mean?That I could do something wonderfulPossibly Maybe My confidence has taken a battering recently And I'm feeling quite raw emotionallyThe thought of putting myself out there is very scary But I know If I could just take the first stepThen the rest will be easier
Myself and Mary write down all my homework She wished me a happy new yearAnd gave me a big hug before I left Which was lovely I'll be seeing her once a week for the next few weeks And you know what?I think I can do it I think I can get back on track Living in the midst of an EDIs nothing short of miserable, lonely and utterly soul destroying I'm not willing to live my life like that The last eight weeksOf being back in ED modeHave shown me that nothing has changed Anorexia/bulimia are their same old selves Manipulative Conniving Sneaky I don't want to deal with that any more I have a life to live
Before I left Mary asked me about weighingI told her I was weighing every dayShe told me in no uncertain terms That I needed to stopAnd that she will weigh me once a weekI can't lie That's going to be tough Weighing is the one thing recently that was feeding my self worthNow I need to find other ways to maintain it Other ways to feel good about myselfIn short I need to carve out a life for myself A routine An occupation A reason to get up in the morningBecause right nowApart from my dogsIt's difficult to find a reason to keep going
AnywayI've got to do thisI've just got to There is no other option anymore I hope I can do itI think I can do it With my families helpThe professionals helpAnd with your help I just might have a fighting chance The one thing I take out of these situations Is the learning Something I will improve on the next time I meanI'm not asking for much I just want a simple lifeA roof over my head Food in my fridgeLoved ones at my side Dogs at my feet A job I love And I think these things are achieve able I think they are within my graspSoIt starts right now Having my dinner Keeping it down Doing my meal plan My shopping list That's half the battle Tomorrow I will start the hunt for things to do That's after my hospital appointment It's a brand new year A fresh start What better time to make a change I want this I need this Are you with me....?