An anonymous reader left a comment on yesterday's postAsking about the fact that I don't workAnd pointing out that I have it easyI replied to the comment in my replies yesterdayBut I also felt a need to write a post addressing this issueAs I'm sure there are others who wonder about my situation I'm not annoyed or upset by this questionAnd I have absolutely no problem in replying
To the outside worldIt may look like I have it easy And I guess in some ways I do I live with my MumAnd I live here not only because I can't afford to move out on my ownI live here because I like living with my MumTo all intents and purposes It feels like we are house sharingRather than living with a parentI contribute to rent and billsAs well as paying my own car and phone bills I do my share of the house work And we take it in turns to cookIt would make no sense for me to move out now And try to maintain the running of a house/flat on my ownAnd more than all of that I am happy here
I kind of feel like I am defending myself hereAnd that's not why I wanted to write this post I may look like I am having a great ol' time not working and living off the stateIt hasn't always been this wayUp until my ED developed And even during my EDI worked I always worked A few years ago I was put on disability allowanceAnd have been on it sinceMy last job was teaching dance to kids I taught 4 classes a weekBut over night I lost my confidenceAnd never went back
Confidence poses a huge obstacle for me as regards work I just don't have the confidence that I can do a jobAnd do it wellMy self esteem has taken a battering over the years It's been shattered And I'm only now beginning to put it back together I also don't want to secure a job until I am sure that I can maintain it I did apply for part time positions during the summer But nothing came of those I really want to feel capable of holding down a job before I start workingI have a long history of starting things and not finishing themAnd that really knocks your confidence I want to be in the best frame of mind possible And I'm just not there yet
Which brings me to my next pointI don't know guys I don't even think I can truthfully say that I am in recovery any more My head is all over the placePurging has increased in the last couple of weeks My weight continues to drop And I am generally acting like a very eating disordered personTo be honest I feel like I have one foot in recoveryAnd one foot in my illnessCommitting to neitherTrying to have my cake and eat it tooI'm caught up in the honey moon phase of losing weightAnd even though I know how this story ends I can't seem to stopLogically and rationally I know what I am doing is wrongIt's the behavior of someone who really should know better
It's scary The years are flying byOne year blends in to the nextAnd nothing changesYes over the last year I have been dabbling in recovery But did I ever really fully commit?That's up for debate I know I need to man upAnd choose a path One way or the other I can't have bothOne always bleeds in to another And I'm left in this kind of limboA no mans land Neither here nor there That's not where I want to be
I want to get well I do But I have to admit The safety of my ED appeals to me In that it's all I have to worry about Even though it's a living hellI don't have to deal with life on life's terms I have often said that death doesn't scare meLife scares me a hell of a lot moreThus farI haven't been able to handle life without the use of a substance Or a behaviour The truth is That I've not lived in reality for a long timeAnd now I'm wondering if I can't handle it at all I find living in reality hardI don't know Maybe everyone feels like this And they just don't say it Maybe people just get on with thingsAnd maybe that's what I should do too I don't know
So yes I know I am blessed in a lot of ways I have a strong family around meAnd if anything bad ever happens They are there to help me put back the pieces together But please Don't think I have it easyI fight a battle every dayTo stay clean and sober To not inject myself with mind and body numbing drugs Sometimes I see or hear or smell something that reminds me of heroinAnd literally have to stop my self from jumping in to my car and heading to get drugs A craving is a powerful thing And I get them all the timeBe it heroin Or alcoholOr cigarettesI fight to not lose the plot completely where food is concerned As I wrote recently My black and white behaviours means I eat all the food Or none of the foodI fight not to bingeAnd not to purge It doesn't always work But I keep trying Some days I wake up with a sense of impending doomAnd I don't want to get up and face the daySome days just getting out of bed is a triumphSome days eating my lunch and keeping it down is a victory And sometimes just leaving my house to walk my dogs is success It's all relativeIt's easy to look at someone else's life and think that the grass is greenerBut I wouldn't wish the issues I deal with on anyone
I hope this explains my situation a bit betterAnd I'm happy to answer any other questions that you have You know the saying don't judge me until you've walked a mile in my shoes?I think that applies here...