The Scales Are Following Me....

We were in our hotel room the other nightAfter a long day of walking around the cityOur room is small for three people There is a double bedFor my sister and motherAnd a kind of loft bed for meUp a little ladderEven though the room is smallIt is perfectly formed And they have made the best use of the spaceThere is plenty of storageAnd that what we were looking at the other nightOpening all of the drawers and cupboards Having a good ol' moochWhen my sister shouted 'Look at this'She pulled what she had found from the drawerAnd set it on the groundYes, you've guessed itThe dreaded scalesCue menacing musicDon don doooooon.....
God dammitEven on my bloody holidaysI can't get away from the scalesMy sister stood on it firstAnd let out a shriek as she registered the numberI won't tell you what it wasAs she might read thisAnd could possibly kill meEven though I really wanted to stand on n it tooI resisted But just knowing it was thereWas driving me to distractionI tried to forget about itI really did But after having a shower that nightI pulled the scales out Tapped it to set it And gingerly stood on itThe flashedIt was in kilosI registered the numberAnd stood offI gave myself a minute to gauge my reactionWaiting for onslaught of self hatred and miseryI haven't weighed myself in about 6 weeksThe number was highThere was no doubt about thatIt was a number a was not comfortable withBut to my surpriseI stayed calm and relaxedThe number didn't effect me in the way that I thought it wouldThere have been times in the pastWhen I weighed myself And curled up in a ballNakedAnd weepingThere have been times when I saw the numberAnd literally had a physical reaction to itBut today?Today I feltWellNothing
This morning My mother and I went to the pharmacyTo pick up a couple of thingsWe were just waiting for the pharmacist When out of the corner of my eyeI saw another set of scales OMGThey are everywhere!And they are out to get me!I ventured closer to itAnd wondered if anyone would protest if I stripped there and thenAnd stood on it I figured they would So insteadI stood on it fully clothedSomething I hate doingAgainI registered the numberThe same as the scales in our room And againFelt nothing 
This is a new revelationAnd one I'm not entirely comfortable withBecause it's differentIt's new It's changeAnd as well all know ED girls do not do very well with change 
My body image is not great howeverTaking photos here has been a bit of an ordealEight out of ten timesI look at a photo And absolutely hate itAnd take it againUntil I am happy Or at least semi happy with itTake yesterday I know I posted quite a few photosBut they were the best of a bad lotThere were so many others taken that I just couldn't beat to postBecause my face looked fatOr my arms looked fatOr my toes looked fatOr something looked fatThere were photos of me with horsesPhotos of me beside the pondMany photos of me with my family That I just could not postWhich is sad reallyBut I think most people want to present the best image of themself to the worldAnd I am no different The ones I posted yesterdayJust barely made it on to my blogI still can't look at themI just post them And forget about them
Apologies for not replying to comments while I am awayNormal service will resume when I return at the weekend Also I need to catch up on your blogsSo I will also do that when I get homeI hope you are all doing okI know our community spans the whole of the ED spectrumSome of us are still strugglingSome of us are embarking on recoverySome of us are somewhere in between Some of us are anorexicBulimic EDNOSOr a mixture of all threeWe are all struggling one way or another All fighting for a better lifeFor a brighter futureAnd we will get thereI have so much faith in every one youI truly doSo please Today be kind to youBe gentle to youBecause you are an important and valuable person To your family Your friends Your blogger family hereTo us and themYou are preciousDon't ever forget that