It’s been a rough week really. Part medication at lower levels, part Sophie’s anxieties and no more Japan. Defensive, irritable, hard to get on with, sleeping til lunch time so missing breakfast. Demanding help for things that are her responsibility, then getting really angry I won’t help. Shopping today with her reminded me of the horror days of taking her out – when she just suddenly would turn into super bitch.
Her counselor hunted her for an email session, which they did on Thursday. But from what I can gather, Sophie only talked about uni and bad I am for even thinking of getting a social life separate to her. Bad mother, how dare I think I should have a life that is my own. SIGH. After the session, Sophie then told me how she is deliberately blocking any feelings of pain, fear, guilt, grief and memory. And that she is having nightmares about being anorexic again or about when she was very sick. Stifling or burying feelings about issues or life, only become bigger and worse. They will in time manifest into harmful behavior just so you can keep blocking them. Sophie ignored that reminder. I asked if she told her counselor this. A resounding no was all I got.
So I told her to draw or paint. If she did another series of goth skeletons then I was fine with that – as long as she expressed what was inside. She did a drawing last night. A overpowering tall, thin, otherworld specter. Faceless, grey, cold. At his feet was a girl in submission or worshipping pose. Scary and very telling where my daughter’s mind is and who owns it. There are positives though. No longer is she and the figure one person. She showed me although discussion about it was not on. And she did express what was inside herself.
Watchful, waiting, sitting on the edges, see where this goes.