It is all go here at home this weekMy Mother is retiring So we are having a go for her tomorrow weekI say DoBut it's more like a meal with the whole familyThere will be many people staying here that night So we are trying to arrange over ten people in to five bedrooms We also need to clean the house from top to bottomDesignate beds and beddingI will be out of my room for one night And will be on the couchI don't mind thoughAs long as I have a tv and my dogs I'm good
I have to admit thoughI am anxious about the whole thingMy sister and I are organising it allSo the pressure is on And there is so much change happeningI don't do well with change at allI'm kind of wishing that it was all overButAs experience has shownIt's the run up to an event that is the most stressful thingUsually the event itself is fineI just have to remember that
I guess I find it hard to manage anxietyOf course I used to manage it with drink and drugs The over eating or not eating at allNow I'm dealing with life on life's termsIt's unpredictable It's unsettlingIt can be unmanageable It can be overwhelming I am just so grateful to have my sister hereShe is an amazing supportIt's hard to believe that she was gone for a whole 12 yearsNow that she is back It takes some of the pressure off me
There will also be a lot of change at home come next monthAs you know My mother used to work away during the weekSo starting September she will be here all the timeThat will take some getting used toFor all of usIt's funnyMy Mum is coming to the end of her working lifeAnd in a lot of ways I am just starting mineThe course is on my mind a lotI have accepted the placeBut I have the worry that my disability will be stoppedAnd I don't know if I am willing to risk thatI know that at some point I am going to have to take a leap of faithAnd jump without knowing if my parachute will openI'm just afraid that I will hit the ground with a bang I'm kind of trying not think about it at the moment
I feel like I am writing about my ED and addiction less and less And I guess that's a good thingMy ED has gone from being the sole focus of my lifeTo fading away in to the background It's crazy the changes they have happened I am strong nowYesterday I carried a whole cupboard up our staircase My arms are strong from swimmingI feel capable and ableI remember 18 months ago I couldn't carry a bag of shopping Let alone a piece of furniture
I'm excited for the future nowBeforeI could see beyond the end of the dayI went to bed not knowing if I would wake upAnd a huge part of me hoped that I wouldn't Living was such an effortSuch hard workI had a heavy feeling all the timeA sense of impending doomI describe it as having a passive death wishI wasn't actively trying to loll myself But I welcomed it all the sameI was in limboSomewhere between life and death It's a horrific place to be
As you knowI am in the process of writing my story for a magazine articleI wrote a rough draft yesterdayFitting my story in to 2000 words is proving trickyAt first I worried that I wouldn't have enough to fill the briefBut now I have the opposite problem I'm feeling the pressure thoughI want it to be just right PerfectAnd as ever I am my own worst criticSo what I've decided to do Is take the piece Lather, rinse, repeatAnd embellish itI think that particular piece tells my story in a nut shellAnd I can expand on it as I see fitIt's all very exciting thoughI love the opportunities that this blog has given meIt has opened up so many doors for me It just goes to showThat if you put yourself out thereWonderful things can happen
My friend commented yesterday That I am 'so strong'I've never thought of myself as strongI didn't want to be strong I wanted to be small and petiteDelicate and dainty I thought that was what beautiful wasBut now I am starting to see that beauty comes in many forms It comes from self awarenessConfidence Body strengthA good heartA loving and caring temprement It comes from being a good person It comes from taking care of yourself From taking the time out for yourself I used to think that beauty came from physical beauty aloneI thought it came from sharp edges and pointy bones From collar bones and hip bonesFrom clothes that were too bigFrom twig like arms and legs A thigh gap and cheek bonesThe smaller the betterThe thinner the better No matter what the cost
My body has changed a lot over the last yearI've gone from having the body of a male childTo that of a woman It's happened over time At first I hated it Hated the soft curves The contours of my bodyShapely legs Boobs and a bumA little tummy All my bones were not engulfed in flesh But Slowly but surelyMy body is growing on meLiterally I look at my legs Once stick like and frailAnd now they are curvy and strongSame as my arms My clothes now define a shape in clothes I look at super thin models nowAnd am more attracted to the plus size models For the first time in my entire lifeI am favouring health and well being Over thinness and beautyStrong is beautifulBring in good health is beautifulLooking after yourself and your body is beautifulA healthy glow is beautiful Thin is also beautiful If the person is well and healthy The pressure us girls are under to conform to society's image of beauty is enormousI feel it every day But I refuse to kill myself in the name of beauty I won't bow to this pressure any more
Health wiseI am the best that I have been in a long timeBoth my physical and mental health are pretty goodAnd I thank God, the universe and my lucky stars for thatTodayI just want you to know That no matter how low you goNo matter how far down the wrong path you goThere is a way back There is a second chance And a thirdFourthFifth...It's never to late To make a fresh startA new beginning It's never to late to turn things around The body and the mind are amazing They recoverReboot Rejuvenate Reset They can be pushed to breaking pointAnd still bounce back
I know that when we are in the midst of our illnessThat life seems pointless Happiness is a distant memoryPeace of mind is a dream you once hadRecovery seems nigh on impossible But I want you to know that it isIt is possible for youYou just have to take that leap of faith I promise you It is worth it My quality of life has improved so muchI have a life now And it continues to get better and better
So if you are feeling low todayIf you are struggling to find a reason to go onJust remember that right nowRight this second Someone you have never met In a country far far awayIs thinking of you And sending you all the courage and love that I can musterI believe in youI have faith in youAnd I live youPlease don't ever forget that