YesterdayAfter we came home from doing the Darkness into Light walkWe had breakfastAnd my mom and sister went straight to bedI wasn't feeling too badSo I went in to town Had a sun showerThen met friends in the afternoonI had been going through my wardrobe earlier in the weekAnd found some bits that were too small for meSo decided to give them to my friend MarieShe is smaller in height than meSo I thought they might fit herI met Marie and two other guy friends in a coffee shopI gave her the clothesShe asked me if they were too big for meAnd said if they didn't fit meThey wouldn't fit herI to get to try them anywayAs they are lovely trousersI haven't heard yet If they fit her or notBut I'm pretty sure they will
I'm feeling quite paranoid these daysI'm convinced that people don't like meEven my own friendsParanoia is a funny thingI think it's a disease of perceptionFor instanceWith the trousers I was actually sorry I had given them to MarieAs I thought she might think that I was presuming she was bigger than meWhen I actually meant the oppositeAlso As I was sitting with my three friends yesterdayI was thinking that none of them like meAnd I was even looking for evidence to support that claimI'm having a hard time accepting that people might actually like meAnd might want to be my friendAnd wonder of all wondersMight want to spend time with meLike yesterdayI spent most of the time with my friends Thinking that they were taking the puss out of meOr smirking and mailing faces behind my backThe rational part of me knows that this is ridiculous thinkingI mean why would they have invited me out if they didn't like me?It's crazy thinkingBut thenWhen have I ever claimed to be sane?
I guess when you don't like yourself very muchIt's hard to believe that others doI believe that I am socially disabledI am convinced that I always say the wrong thingOr put my foot in itI'm shyI'm awkward I'm nervous in crowdsI second guess myself all the timeI over think thingsAnd analyze everythingI tell ya It's exhaustingIt's drainingAnd it's such a waste of time and energyI need to snap out of this
I came home from meeting my friendsThe tiredness still hadn't hit meAlthough mom and my sister were wreckedWe watched tv for the eveningI don't remember going to bedBut obviously I did go at some pointAs I woke up in my bed this morningThe exhaustion finally caught up with meAnd I felt like a bear with a sore headI got up later than usualAnd made tea and chocolate for breakfastYes chocolateWhite chocolate in factSix squaresI know, I knowThat is a bit strangeBut then that's me all overAt least I ate something right?
I turned on the tvAnd promptly fell back asleep where I satI felt like I was under waterAnd trying to wake up was like trying to break the surface of the waterExcept the water was so heavyI couldn't quite make itAfter dozing for a whileI finally managed to wake upI got dressedPiled the dogs in to my carAnd set off for townIt was lashing rainSo I decided to go for a sun shower I'm probably brown enoughBut I'm always thinking that it is fadingSo I go again and again
I felt like the rain was easing upSo I went down to the beachAnd went for a walk with the dogsThe rain got heavier and heavierAnd we got absolutely soaked We hurried back to the car And headed homeI'm now sitting with a cup of hot teaAnd watching Sunday morning tv
In other newsI am 9 months smoke free todayWhich is huge for me!I never thought that I would be able to give them up It just goes to show If I am determined enoughI can do anything I set my mind to
I plan to do absolutely nothing for the rest of the dayAfter allSunday is the day of rest Hope you enjoy your Sunday tooSee you on the next post......