See, I have inscribed you on the palms of My hands; Your walls are continually inscribed before Me. — Isaiah 49:16
For a few consecutive nights… My peaceful slumber was revisited by dreams of men I came to know in this lifetime. Men who, unbeknownst to them, taught me about love… And the pain it brings when it can never be reciprocated. Men who unconsciously pointed to me the door out of their lives… And then I learned how rejection felt for the first time. Men who ended up seeing me as a best girl buddy, a late December fling, or a favorite subject for flirting… Nothing more. Men who entered my life from different seasons, and different reasons.
I used to be the needy type… A drama queen who listened to sentimental love songs until her consciousness drifts to daydreaming… Saw herself as a damsel in distress… Hoping that her knight-in-shining-armor would come to the rescue… And then they would look deeply into each other’s eyes… Feel the butterflies in their stomachs… The dashing debonair passionately professes his love for her… And then well, every girl’s favorite line – live happily ever after.
Yes, I used to be a sucker for such mushy stuff… Blame it on fairy tales I watched over and over as a child… Until I was brainwashed that love in fairy tales do happen in real life. But well, although sometimes fairy tales do come true… Real life has its own way of telling such stories… Far different from how it is in fairy tales… A narration that can be difficult to comprehend… And the knight-in-shining-armor may not always be available… Or there could be none at all… So the damsel in distress should know how to rescue herself from her own misery… Without having to wait for her knight to save her… And choose to live happily ever after even without her prince.
In my 20s, I learned them all… And I’m glad I did. I learned that I don’t need a man to complete me… For with or without a man in my life, I am a whole human being… Created in the image and likeness of one great God. I learned that there is no such thing as waiting in vain… But only waiting for God’s perfect timing… And surrendering to God’s perfect plan for my love life. Yes, I learned them all. I know them all. But right now in all honesty, I have that yearning… Burning like wood on fire… To be with someone I can call my prince. And that curiosity—of how tender hugs and kisses felt like… Triggered by the sight of couples whose love withstood the test of time. Those thoughts keep crossing my mind… Like a restless soul that bothers you until you finally said a prayer for its eternal repose.
That desire… that hunger… It is alive within me…
But my rational mind tells me I’m not ready… Not now… But maybe not never…
I’ll let God have the final say.
The space need not be filled for now...