As you knowI'm in the process of getting new teethLast August I had temporary crowns put inThey were replaced in DecemberAnd I'm now waiting to get permanent onesI had an appointment this morning to take impressions of my teethMy dentist is so funnyHe's always telling me how great it is that I'm getting new teethAnd how he's getting 'great satisfaction' out of my caseIt was a marathon session this morningAlmost three hoursFirst I had surface anisthetic applied to my gumsThen came the huge needleI hate that partIt stings like nobodies businessThere was lots of horrible noises And a lot of pulling and pushin and scrapingThe noise alone was enough to make me want to run screaming from the roomHe then took out my crownsWhich went flying across the room at speedNext he took impressions of my teethIt's a scary sight to see myself without the crownsAll that is left of my real teeth are little stumpsPointy shards of rotting toothNext he put the crowns back inWhich took some timeI was so glad when he finally announced that we were finished I couldn't take much more
I've had an awful lot of trouble with my teeth over the yearsA combination of smoking thirty a dayA drug addictionDaily rinses of stomach acidAnd ten years of methadone have really taken a toll on my poor teethI've had so many extractionsThat all that's left in the back of my mouth is gumGiven all my teeth have been throughI'm lucky to have any left standing allSo I'm back in a couple of weeks for my final appointmentI'm dreading it alreadyBut it's worth it to have nice white and straight teethMy dentist is an artist I think
They say in recovery that you should do it for yourselfGet well for yourselfGet clean and sober for yourselfAnd if you can't do thatFake it until you make itWhen ever I have tried recoveryIt's always been to appease othersAnd maybe that's enough to get cleanBut not to stay cleanWhich I am learning for myselfSo this weekI decided to do a few things to help myselfI went to see my addiction counsellorI had reflexology doneI went to a meeting yesterday And got my teeth done todayAnd I did all these things for my well beingI did them for my own peace of mindMy own self worthAnd it felt good
So yes I went to a meting yesterday I was glad to see that the creepy man wasn't there I was asked to do a reading at the start of the meetingFor some reason this caused me huge anxietyAnd at one point I didn't think I could do it But I took some deep breathesGrounded myselfAnd I was able to continue
The meeting itself was great Listening to the readingsAnd listening to others shareMade me realize that I was in the right placeThat I am an addict And I need a programme to get wellI'm not sure why But I always fight with myself over going to meetingsA big part of me doesn't want to goAnd resents goingBut yet when I am thereI have no doubt that I am in the right placeAnd am around others who are just like me
After the meeting I felt like my battery was chargedLike my fuel tank was full againAnd I felt able to go out and face the daySo often I am going around with an empty fuel tankRunning off of fumesWith no energyGoing to a meeting is like a shot of adrenaline in the armAnd it was much needed
My mother and my sister can't in to the living room yesterdayAnd told me they needed to speak to meI immediately became anxiousAs I had no idea what this was aboutIt turns outThat my sister is bringing my mother away for a few days to PragueFrom Saturday to ThursdayAlthough my dad will come down for a couple of those daysI'm really glad they are going awayGod knows my mother needs a treatThey made it clear that they are trusting me with the houseAnd if I mess upThere will be consequencesI am determined not to mess this upI will stick with my clean friendsGo to a meeting or twoAnd generally keep my head down and out of troubleThis is my chance to prove that I can be trusted
That's all the news from here todaySee you on the next post x