Yesterday was toughI woke up in the morning Feeling good that I had got my ass to a meeting But I wasn't feeling physically greatI know I am struggling these days Because walking my dogs is a struggle Usually I am out with them first thing in the morningBut at the moment it's not something I look forward to It doesn't help that it's freezing cold here Lea is giddy until she is brought for a walkHoney can take it or leave itBut I do try my best to bring them every dayIf not my sister will bring themYesterday was a bright but cold daySo we decided to go to the long beach about 15 minutes away We all bundled in to the carAnd headed off
This particular beach is frequented by surfers and other out door pursuitsWe parked in the car parkAnd made our way down the steep incline to the shoreThis incline is all loose stones And can be quite treacherous But we made it down And started walking across the beach Lea especially loved the beachShe runs around like a lunatic Jumping and rolling in the sandRunning so fast and enthusiastically that her tail rotatesTo be honest I wasn't really enjoying the walkBut I walked as far as I couldAnd then turned backWe arrived at the incline again But I was starting to feel weakMy sister went on ahead And soon I started to feel really breathless and dizzyI felt massive pressure on my headMy vision blurredI was sure I was going to pass outI looked for somewhere to sit down And found a large rock nearbyI tried to take deep breathes But I was only about one third of the way up the hillI thought I would never make it back to the car Heaving myself off the rockI tried to continue on But againDizziness and weakness overcame meAnd I sat down again By now My sister had realised that something was wrong And walked back down to meet me I linked her and tried to walk againBut soon had to sit down againAnd put my head between my knees I really thought I was going to hit the de kI felt like this the morning I had my last pancreatitis attackExcept I had no pain this time My sister helped me to the carAnd finally made it there I collapsed in to the seat So relieved to be back and able to sit down We arrived home And my sister made me eggs and toastI then retired to the couch to restI felt terrible And looked even worseI slept for a good while When I woke up I felt a lot better But this is a warning sign That my body is hurting I am hurting it This bout of weight loss is really taking its tollIt seems that I have a lot of work to do in that area
Monday morning And doctor day for me We left a bit earlier this morning As the roads were frosty I arrived at the surgery for my 9am appointment I had just sat down When my doctor called my name As I followed him inHe said he had a student in with him today And was that okHe regularly has students in observing And I have no problem with that I took a seat in his room The student greeted meI said hello back My doctor and I chit chatted for a while I told him about the jobHe said that he didn't want to say it last weekBut he thought that I wouldn't get it due to lack of experience He was delighted that I got the other job thoughI also told him about the horse therapyWe were all done and dusted quicklyI collected my scriptAnd said thanks and goodbye Another Monday over Another week begun
Now that my real life is beginning to come togetherThere are some things that I need to address My weight is a pressing problemAs in the last week it has plummeted I feel it I feel underweightI don't feel wellI don't feel healthyMy body is crying out for nourishment t And I'm not giving itAlso I've been thinking about this blog And how open I am A lot of people read every day And though I am not at all ashamed about my blog or my life I am starting to wonder if maybe I should protect myself a bit more Maybe not be quite so open and frank I just worry about employers finding it Don't get me wrong I have nothing to hide But I don't want to leave myself in a vulnerable position Where the whole world knows my business I don't kid myself I know my problems are small fry compared to some people out there But I almost feel a duty to share my story In the hope that it will help others as well as myself Although I can see the benefits of being a open blogger There are also benefits to writing anonymously But as you know I am an all or nothing personSo I share either everything or nothing As my blog has grown I guess I have been more wary of what I write hereAnd I have gone back and deleted posts that maybe exposed me too much I also think about the negatives to bloggingThe hate The anonymous comments that love to point out where I am going wrongI ask myself the questionIs it worth it?Is it worth the hassle?The cruel comments Being judgedBeing attacked Do the negatives out weigh the positives?I ask myself this question regularly And most of the timeI come to the conclusion that it is worth it I do think it's unfair to judge though If there is one thing I don't doIs judge peopleI have learned over the years That people are the way they are for a reasonWho am I to judge? I am no better or no worse than anyone elseJudging others is dangerous groundNo one is perfect No one is infallible We all do silly things Make stupid mistakes That's the nature of us humans The trick is to learn from it And not repeat it
LookI am doing my best with the cards I have been dealt I try every day to be a good personI try not to hurt myself or others I try to be the best person I can possibly be But of course I mess up from time to time It's human nature The important thing is to keep going Keep fighting Keep hoping And believing We have to forgive ours and others mistakes Or else what is the point?I have a lot to look forward to now So much to live for I need to get back on trackNeed to be as well as I can beSo I can start my jobSo I can begin horse therapy So I stay healthy both physically and mentally At the age of 34 My life is just beginning Just starting to happenI know that I have a real shot now At being happy ContentAnd most importantly Having peace of mind That is my goal Just to have a quiet mind I can get there I truly believe I can and you can too