Ok
So you you know that one part of my eating disorder that I have really struggled with is shoplifting
It was part of my bulimia
I first shop lifted food
Then branched out in to other things
Like clothes
Or make up
Or jewellery
I used to speak to Mary about it quite a bit
And I had stopped
But recently it has crept back in
I was in town with my sister the other day
We split up as I had to go to the dentist
And I went to a couple of clothes shops before I met back up with her
I went to a particular shop first
And tried on a couple of pairs pf trousers
They were ok
Nothing special
But for some reason I decided to take a pair anyway
I didn't even check to see of there was a security tag
I just stuffed them in my bag
And off I went
I got out of that shop quick smart
And headed to another
I decided to have a look in one of the shoe shops
And as I walked across the threshold the alarm went off
I was surprised
But not worried
'Don't worry, you only have to be concerned if it goes off on your way out' The shop assistant said
So I had a browse around for a few minutes
And didn't give it another thought
When I walked out of the shop
The alarm went off again
Everyone in the shop turned to look at me
But the girl just said 'Go on, you're ok'
I thought it was a bit strange that the alarm went of twice
And it didn't even occur to me that it was anything I had done
So then I went and met my sister
She was looking for a jacket
And wanted to go back to the first shop where I took the trousers
I was reluctant to go back
But what could I say
So we headed back
And she began to try on trousers
I browsed around again
And saw a nice cream top
I brought it and a few other items in to the changing room
By this stage I had decided that I didn't want the trousers anymore
And took them out of my bag
Then I noticed that most of the clothes had security tags on
Including the trousers
Shit
Then it occurred to me
That's why the freakin' alarm went off in the other shop
Because I was walking around with a security tag in my bag
Shit Ruby!
Then I wondered why the alarm in this shop hadn't gone off
I was one lucky girl that it hadn't
I put the trousers back on hanger
And checked the cream top for a security tag
There was none
So I put it on under neath my own clothes
I don't even know why I did this
I was pushing my luck already
My sister was in the next changing room
Trying on jackets
So I went to help her
But I really wanted to get out of the shop
So when she had finished
I told her that I had to use the bathroom on the next floor
But I really wanted to go this way to go out o the back of the shop
To avoid any shop assistants
Or security systems
I got in the toilet
Took the cream top off
And stuffed it in to my bag
We got out of the shop
And I breathed a sigh of relief
When we got home that evening
My sister was trying on her jacket in my room
'Did you get anything?' She asked
And nodded towards my bag
'Have you anything she there?'
Shit, she knows
But I didn't say anything
And just made a joke
But then we were talking last night
And I told her that I had done something bold
She said she knew what it was
'Have you nicked something?' She asked
'Yes' I confessed
'Ruby you need to stop doing that'
'I know, it's ridiculous'
It's more than ridiculous, you're going to get caught'
I didn't tell her how close I had come that day
The thing about this is
I always regret doing it
The minute I have it done
I always panic that I am going to be caught
And am looking out the window of my house to see if the cops are coming
It's a horrible feeling
I know it's part of my ED
But that is no excuse
I need to get my shit under control
Everything else is going so well
It would be a disaster if I was caught
That's why I am writing about it here
So I am accountable
I don't know of any of you have experienced this
I hope not
But maybe now that my sister knows
That will be a deterrent
This is something that has come in and out of my life for a long time
I did it as a teenager
I did it during my drug addiction
And now during my ED
But I am in recovery now
I don't need to so this any more
I just need to get that through my head
You might wonder why I feel the need to write about this
Why would I admit to this shameful behaviour
Well, the answer is that I have to
I have to tell on my eating disorder
I have to break the silence
I kept this to myself for the longest time
Too ashamed to talk about it
It wasn't until I read another blog about a girl who was struggling with this
I emailed her immediately
It was such a relief to know that I wasn't the only one
So I write in the hope that this will help someone else
Help them not feel so alone
I was wondering about you
Have you ever done this?
How did you stop?