I know I said I was taking a breakOr a possible breakBut then I realised that this is one of the only outlets I have to vent about thisI need to write about itI need to make sense of itAs much as I can
I think it's fair to say that the drugs are now out of my systemI feel like I am back to myselfAnd I don't look like death warmed up anymoreHowever I feel like I am on the verge of withdrawal I'm yawning constantlyMy eyes are streaming And my nose is runningI hope it doesn't get any worseAs I really can't handle it at the momentIt's bad enough the mental torture I am going throughBut to add physical symptoms to that isn't too much for one girl
My family are on high alertAnd the eye is on meI think back to SaturdayAnd it's like a bad dreamMy mother is the most gentlest kindest person you could meetShe rarely gets angry But manShe lost it with me at the weekendI haven't seen her that upset since I was using years agoAnd it was a shock to see itIt really hit home how serious this all is
I've always worried that I am a bad personI really do t want to be a bad personI want to be good and honest and decentBut the truth isWhen I am usingI am a bad person When I am using The drug is the only thing that mattersWhen I am usingAny loyalty or love goes out the windowWhen I am usingI lieI cheatI stealI manipulateI become everything that I loatheIt's time to take a good hard look at myselfAnd decide what kind of person I want to be
This isn't my first rodeoI know what I need to doBut knowing it and doing itAre two completely different things I can talk the talkBut can I walk the walk?
As you knowFor the longest time I didn't want to liveI was planning on disappearingI wasn't actively seeking deathBut I welcomed itI had a passive death wishI was more afraid of living than I was of dyingBut in the last yearThings have changed for meAnd for the betterI now can say that I want to liveI want to be aliveI want to loveAnd laugh and experience everything that life has to offerTo useIs to choose to stay in deaths waiting roomIt's the same with an eating disorderIt's a slow suicideAnd I don't want that for me or my family anymoreI want to live
On MondayMy counselor Breda told me to fake it til I make itTo good through the motionsUntil it becomes real for meGood advice I think
In other news I had reflexology done yesterdayIt was amazingSo gentle and relaxingAnd it was nice to do something good for myselfTo help with my well beingAlternative therapy is part of my counsellingAnd it only costs me €5 per sessionUsually it would cost €40So that is great
Also today I am seven months smoke freeAnd it feels so good
So am tryingTrying to get back on trackTo rebuild the trust with my family To get and stay cleanTo go to meetings and take partTo be a better personA better daughterSister AuntieAnd friendI know it will take timeAnd I need to be patient And do the next right thing
Thank you for your comments, emails and texts They mean more than you will ever know