Smartass Replies To Dumbass Texts

Due to last year’s upheaval in escort advertising, the number of dumb, no-useful-information texts I receive has expanded dramatically; some of them are creepy and abusive, while others are just ridiculous time-wasters.  But since yesterday was the beginning of carnival season, I thought it might amuse y’all to see some of the recent replies I’ve given to such texts.  I’m presenting them without direct context, but I’m sure you can figure out what kind of question or statement many of these were in reply to.  Please understand that none of these guys made even the most minimal good-faith effort to approach me as one would approach a professional whose services one wished to engage, and also that the ones containing a time reference were answered the following morning.

Strange, but this does not look like screening information. It’s not your name, it’s not your references, it’s not your email address, it’s not your occupation. So I’m not sure what it’s doing there.

If you can’t be bothered to read the website, I can’t be bothered to see you.

Yes, of course it’s me. Who else would it be?

Do you see a price for half an hour on my website?

Try rubbing it on your own.

The answer is going to keep being “no”.

Why have you sent me a picture of a dead fish?

I suggest you learn some manners before attempting to contact women.

Don’t even bother looking at my website, because I’m not going to see you.

Wow, you’re even stupider than I had at first imagined.

Then obviously you know how to proceed.

Not until you learn to read.

If you have to ask that question, this is probably not the pastime for you.

In other words, you’re a time-waster and wanted to get phone time with me without paying.

You should expect that I’m an escort, as advertised.

The idea that there are many “just like me” out there is exactly the reason I’m not seeing you.

I make plenty of money without dealing with morons like you.

If you won’t follow my simple requests when you’re trying to get to see me, there’s no way you will respect my boundaries in person.

You’re kidding, right?

You are clearly a hasty idiot and I don’t see hasty idiots.

Do you honestly think cops can’t say that?

I suggest you go watch some porn instead.

“What’s up” is all on my website.

If that is the first question you ask a lady, I have no interest in seeing you.

Sorry, I have no time for rude assholes who think that they can circumvent my procedures.

I do not “hang out”, and if I did it certainly wouldn’t be at 5:30 in the morning.

Go away. Get your wanking material somewhere else.

You don’t get to answer my question with a question.

I’m never “free”, and certainly not at 3:30 in the morning.

The predictability of morons like you is fascinating.

Dude, seriously? Do you think I don’t have your number saved? Get lost.

Are you seriously asking me that question?

You sound like you are trying to pick up some amateur at a bar.

I don’t care what you look like or how hard you are.

You did not answer my question. That does not speak well of you.

I should think my answer is self-evident.

None of this is information that I need for screening. Please consult my website.

Sure, you can send me 80 via cash app and I will insult you for being a stupid cheapskate.

Yes, of course I’m a whore. But you already knew that and so did I, so what was the point of saying it, Captain Obvious?

What is that, your age or your IQ?

I told you to get lost. Scram. Vamoose. Go play with yourself.

I’m not even going to ask you why you texted me in the first place, because I’m sure the answer will be stupid.