… and learning to adjust to being in Australia. Japan was everything she wanted and hoped for. It fed the dream and the reality was better than she even dreamed.
She is bit jet lagged, irritable to find herself back in Australia, and a bit anxious about the rest of the year to come. She could block that before because Japan was all she thought about. Now the reality of school, exams, HSC and university are all that is on the horizon.
And yes she lost a bit of weight. Not enough to harm, she had enough of a buffer. But it gets me thinking. In Japan all her food was mostly there, there were peers around her to encourage good social eating, and teachers who made sure everyone was fed. If she managed to lose just a little weight with this support, then if left to her own complete devices of finding, preparing and making sure she eats enough, leaves me a little worried. I know my daughter, I know she won’t make much of an effort. i know she would find it easier to skip or eat little.
The psychiatrist said today how great she is and she is doing so well. But given that i prepare everything, given she is well supported and cared for, what happens when it is all taken away. We have 8 months to prepare her to be fully independent and support herself in all areas. The anorexia has left her a child in some things, in that it is easier to let someone else do all the care work, when she should be doing that herself. It also means she can lash out and blame someone else when things go wrong, when the responsibility should be hers. She called me a bitch last night (haven’t heard that for two weeks), all because I said I couldn’t say exactly what time dinner was. But she needed to know exactly, so it was easier to lash out at me rather than say/ask what she really wanted to know. These are the lessons I am trying to teach her, but keep getting blocked on. She just gets all defensive.
Sigh, it’s lovely to have her home, but then again there is still so much to teach and move forward through.