There is very little that is logical in the thought pattern of someone with a mental health illness. Because of all the other thought patterns, learned behaviours, voices etc, logic and rationality don’t always come through. Even with my depression, my self-sabotage is reflected in my not taking care of myself, not getting the right foods, enough sleep, enough time-out, etc. I know what benefits me, but don’t do it. And I know what the outcome will be.
Similarly those with eating disorders are ‘great’ at self-sabotage because of the controlling voice and the
underlying ‘I don’t deserve to recover or live’ belief.
It’s not an outright decision to sabotage but more a subtle, sub-conscience view of your recovery. The eating disorder voice uses this mental ability to the max. Like it LOVES it. Sneaky, manipulative, subtle, hidden messages – the ED will sabotage your recovery in any way it can.
- Don’t follow your meal plan
- Do Over-exercise
- Do Harm yourself
- Don’t take your medication or listen to medical advice
- Make life choices that remove your ability to move forward
Tackling this voice and meeting it head-on with force and saying ‘no’ is very difficult and takes practice to learn. Don’t say it isn’t possible or you can’t ever imagine a stage where you could do that. Believe me, you can learn. The ED seems like it has a complete hold on you, but it doesn’t. A bit like a bully: continually challenging, pushing away and learning to use your new behaviours and toolbox, will crush the bully.
My son, with his anxiety disorder, actually deprived himself of sleep and created a ‘perfect storm’ environment to live in. A custom designed hell. Why? Because he felt he didn’t deserve to have a nice life, didn’t deserve to recover from his trauma.
ED sufferers move away from home too early, underneath knowing they will probably not be able to sustain the level of self-care to not let the ED get a stronghold again. They don’t put into place procedures and routines to help them live.
Instead of making good, informed decisions, you put your head in the sand and let life take you wherever. It might mean spending all your money so you have no rent money left, meaning you are forced to move home. Maybe you really wanted that and couldn’t ask for help, or maybe you felt that you didn’t deserve the freedom of life away from home.
My daughter used to allow life situations to over-run her and then deliberately fall into anorexia habits. She could then blame the situation and take all responsibility off herself and self-sabotage her recovery. She would knock herself down basically.
Not wanting to be held responsible for your recovery and to make the every moment decision to recover is a good reason for self-sabotage.
As long as you can blame someone or something else, or ignore deliberately the behaviours/routines you need to recover, you can sabotage your recovery for years.
I am NOT saying at all (please hear this) that you have full control over the ED. I know the voice controls you and I know that you don’t have a choice in how you react to life and yourself. BUT in later recovery, you have learnt what is needed both mentally and physically to sustain recovery. You have learnt that the ED is separate to you. Yes it’s exhausting and difficult to continually choose to recover, and I get that it is easier many times to just let the ED have it’s way and pick up the pieces later. The self-sabotage at this point of recovery is when you keep choosing to ignore your recovery program, when you choose to let the ED ‘win’ more often. I watched and talked to many girls (including Sophie) and you can tell, as she did, when she was allowing the ED to re-assert itself due to just exhaustion or it was a deliberate fall back into it because she didn’t follow her recovery program.