I believe one of the greatest gifts I have received from blogging is
Self Acceptance
My blog at times is as much an online journal
as it is about sharing lifestyles.
Part 5
in my seriesWrite the Blog You Want To Read
is my most recent revelation
in an ongoing journey of self acceptance.
Some posts come quickly to mebut it is really after I have sat with the revelationsfor a whileto know it as my truth.Some posts are harder to publish …but I have found …there is exactly where the personal growth lies.
Some posts even come in a manner so powerfulI can't not write them …
This post is one I had to write ….
I have learned sometimes life can break you openand bring you to your knees …butit is right hereif you can just hold onand
accept the breakagethere may be a beautiful gift involved.But the journey will not be easy
and sometimesit begins by asking what can I learn from this situationand how can I share it thento help others.
Writing my blog has been so cathartic for me.Besides sharing my personal styleit became an online journal of thoughtsfirst on my transitioning life phasebut thenlike the peeling of an onionit has progressed deeperto realms I had not even recognized.
But in the breaking openI not only learned to listen closer tomy heart and soulI afforded myself the time to examinethe pieces of my life I wanted to keepas well as askis this true?
Two weeks agoon one of my hikesI encountered a big black dogyes, it was with it's ownerbut when it came to jump on meI reverted to my five year old selfeyes closed, fists clenched and arms protectively crossed.Because you seewhen I fiveI was bitten by a dog.So now at 55 I am afraid of dogs.
Yep.You get it …How could something that happened a half century agostill affect me today?
Because I have never taken the time to updatemy personal storyform an adult perspective.This realizationleft me open to wondering how many other views of myself have I not updatedwith an adult's perspective.I had some ideasquietly stirringbut they made me a bit uncomfortable…so I thought on other things.
Watching Brene' Brownon Oprah's Super Soul Sundayspeaking on shameandit hit me.Because I have been open to the truthand
looking for insight to why I do what I do."When the student is readythe teacher will come."
It is a shame that as an educated adultand
mother of three adult childrensounds so cringe worthyit makes me ashamed of my shame.
I realized in that moment of flooding tearsthat almost my whole life well let's just say from a really young ageI have been ashamed of my weight.Such shame has had me on the run my entire life.
The shame of weighing more than 'others'has had me on a lifetime trackof having to prove I was better than othersin everything elsejust to feelI was OK.That I really was worthwhile.
The fear of not being good enoughand the shame of being more than has had meperforming at almost masochistic levels so many times in my life.
At the height of my madness I was attending UCLA in designand commuted over an hour a day to save money.I left at 3:30 in the morning to avoid traffic.I had all of my classeson two days of the weekso I couldwork full time as an assistant manager at a large fashion retailer.This store was 45 minutes away the opposite direction way from where I lived and UCLA.
Now before you thinklike I did at the timewhat an ambitious hard workerI was also a full blown bulimic with an eating disorder so badit would eventually derail my finishing college for years.
I believe my shame of weighing 'too much'manifested at a particularly young agewhen my young parentswere realizing my baby sister of 6 monthsnot only had down syndromebut a heart defect as well.I remember being about sixand wanting to make things better for everyoneand wanting so badly to be perfect to make up for the sad things.
Now as an adultand mother of three adultsmy heart breaks for that little girlespecially knowing she would grow up to be so very hard and cruel to herself.
Butthat is not at allreallywhy I write thisbut rather the context behind my message.
Today I realizethat just like going into'oh my gosh I'm afraid of dogs'modeeven though the bite happened50 years ago
My weight shameis tooan opinion forged as a scared little girl.
So it is time for me to lie my shameright out frontbecauseit is only taking shame out of the darknesscan we truly find our light.
So todayI no longer want to be motivatedand to feel devaluedbecauseI am not the culturalstereotypical beauty
As I wrote in this post
I am notyoungthin or rich.
but I am still of tremendous worth.
TodayI realize worshiping at the alter ofnot enoughserves no one.
TodayI realize I am an adult who no longer needs to be motivatedby the beliefs of a scared child.
TodayI also knowwe all need to change the conversationfromnot good enoughto celebrating who we are today
becauseas we each can healfroma belief of being not good enough
we can each thenoffer a hand back in loveto help anotherhealand
findtheir owninherent worth.
It is a gift not onlyto ourselvesbutour daughtersandtheir daughters who come behind us.
As always my friends
I wish you love and joyas you style your life.