I haven't been blogging much huh? Having a baby makes it hard to do anything consistently. And actually, since I found out I was pregnant in December, I've been sleeping when I usually blog because I'm nauseous/tired most of the time.
I've been thinking a lot about how my life has changed so drastically since I've began motherhood. Before I got pregnant, I was on this spiritual journey, discovering all sorts of things about myself and the world around me. I completed yoga teacher training, converted to Catholicism, plus doing a lot of over things like dream groups, a course in miracles, etc. After returning from Africa, I knew it was time and started on my path towards becoming a mother. Once I became pregnant, all of the other stuff stopped. It was a trimester of sickness, then a trimester of getting myself together, then a trimester of preparation. And then, of course, once I had Ellie, it was all about survival haha. That sounds terrible but that first year as a new mother is a doozy. It was for me anyway. I have loved every minute of it and also hated some of it too. That sounds awful but I've been challenged in ways I didn't really want to be. I've had to grow in some areas that have been really hard and am still trying to grow in som others areas too. Just like marriage, motherhood forces you to look at parts of yourself that you can keep hidden in most areas of your life. Having a husband and a child exposes parts of yourself that need the most work, and it can get ugly. Or at least, that's been my experience.
I really felt like all of that personal growth, spiritual growth, had stopped because I have been living in the moment so much for the past 17 months. I really didn't start feeling like my old self again until the end of last year and then BAM, here comes baby number 2. I tried to take part in yoga challenges, meditation challenges, workshops, things like that but even going to mass tends to be difficult nowadays. I've honestly been kind of bummed about it. I've passed up some fun opportunities to teach yoga and missed out on some really neat classes/workshops. I even found out that one of my favorite teachers, Kino Machregor, is going to be in Charlotte soon, but I am not supposed to practice ashtanga right now, so I'm opting out. Bummer.
The thing is, I am grateful and excited about the opportunity to build a family. I get so much joy out of being a mom, and so what I've realized is that life isn't really all of these events happening concurrently, but it's a series of seasons. Growth isn't necessarily a straight line starting from the bottom and steadily increasing, but a bunch of zig zags and circles and who knows what else. I've always been one who wants it all right now, and I've realized that it's not the end result that's important, but the process and the journey. Keeping that in mind, I've come to accept that my season of life in this moment is poopy diapers, sippy cups, and Disney movies. It won't be like this forever, and then I'll be missing the hugs and baby snuggles. What I don't want to happen is miss out on something really special in the quest for having it all. What's the point of having it all if you're too busy to enjoy it?