- Decision Making Chart (Photo credit: West Virginia Blue)
Shakespeare sayings and relationships: Read the rest please.
To Be Or Not To Be With Him....Shakespeare would say, "Wrong Question!"
Making a decision to stay or leave your relationship and incorporating the reference material of a pro’s and con’s list will not help or structure this decision. Let’s say you weigh the pros and cons and you decide after weighing a list of pros and cons that there are more pros, or overall your decision from the list data resulted in you deciding to stay.
Now are you happy? Did this decision make being with this person more positive? What about the con’s or issues that made you want to make the list? Did they just go away on their own?
Pro’s and con’s in relationships do not look like this.
Pro-we love each other (isn’t that a give in? a pro is s opposed to be a convincing reason to stay, we already know that you love one another or then it wouldn’t be relevant when talking about a relationship at all.
Con-he cheated and I can't let it go-That is not a con it’s a problem no one has tried to fix. If you can’t let it go and tried to or he cheated and can't help you feel better than you both suck at fixing it on your own –time for another game plan to fix things. Weighing pro's and con's when factoring in a way to layout or ponder if your relationship is one that you should stay in then the list doesn't have a purpose.
If I ask you what is a “pro,” that you think the relationship has, "Well there are good parts of our relationship and he loves me."
I would say, “I know that but is a pro. Love isn't a pro because if that didn’t have a place then there would be no relationship or nothing to consider.”
Yes, but having good parts in your relationship and love felt among the two of you is not a pro. A component is not a plus or a factor it is the foundation of the relationship.
Now, there can be PRO-active choices that you two make to try to see if you CAN be together or NOT.
- Proactive Effort #1: Both people trying to fix things and when one form of execution doesn't help or make things work better, you try another way, and then another with a plan each time.
- Proactive Effort #2: There is no number two.
- If you both aren't in it then there is nothing to consider but to leave. If your decision is to stay there is no wonder to IF you should be in the relationship or "not to be." It's I KNOW I should not be here, but I am going to stay and leave soon, tomorrow, or whenever I can.
But It's Not That Easy!
- Is it easy to just leave? NO! It's so hard for us to do because we love this person and we have to perform a ritual that will feel like a death in order to preserve our likely hood of future happiness.
- We have to accept that he doesn't love you enough to even try to fix it. Then we have to keep it up, and roll through the pain until we get over it.
- Future looks good even though we don’t care at the moment.
STORY TIME: MAGIC FAIRY BREAKDOWN EXAMPLE FOR QUICK RE-GROUP.
Magic Fairy: “Kelly if you leave him, in five years I will cast a spell and you will meet a great man and he will treat you beautifully.”
Kelly: “Can you use the spell to keep me here with him and happy?”
Magic Fairy: “Your future with him would never be close to the future my spell will bring with another man.”
Kelly: “I don’t care if you told me the guy was related directly to Jesus himself I want to be with this jerk I love now just make him want to be happy?”
Magic Fairy: “They all say that and then later they would never give it up.”
It's Hard To Care About A Future With Someone Great Who Makes Us Happier When We Are Still In Love With The Wrong Guy!
Are we usually happier later? Hell yes! But in the moment knowing that a future is most likely filed with someone who loves you and has a pro list filled with things like, "great cook," and cons like, "forgets his keys often." If you make or consider the relative balance within decisions using a pros and cons system it will only waste time. Pro's and con's should be considered with decisions like the, "Can I afford it?" part of the Suzy Orman show. A professional looks at the pros and cons of a caller seeing if they can afford a new car, trip to Italy what have you. She makes a good decision based on the pro's and con's of their financial structure in order to make her decision. You might be asking yourself, "What does this have to do with relationships?" EXACTLY. This is an example about how relationships and pros and cons do not have anything to do with one another.
To be or not to be - is taken from Hamlet wrote by William Shakespeare.
People forget to read AFTER, "to be or not to be: that is the question.
To be or not be-Meaning, "To live or die."
What Hamlet is musing on is the comparison between the pain of life, which he sees as inevitable (the sea of troubles - the slings and arrows - the heart-ache - the thousand natural shocks) and the fear of the uncertainty without the existence of who he loves which causes the pain.
READ THIS SLOW AND CONCENTRATE ON THE MEANING YOU GET FROM IT.
To be, or not to be: that is the question.
Whether 'tis nobler in the mind to suffer -
Or to take arms against a sea of troubles,-
And by opposing end them? To die: to sleep;y
No more; and by a sleep to say we end
The heart-ache and the thousand natural shocks-
That flesh is heir to, 'tis a consummation
Devoutly to be wished. To die, to sleep;-
To sleep: perchance to dream: ay, there's the rub;-
When we have shuffled off this mortal coil,
SEEMS TO ME LIKE THIS IS NOT A CHOICE TO BE WITH SOMEONE AND WORK IT OUT-IT'S A CHOICE TO LIVE OR DIE AND THE DEATH IS A CONSEQUENCE THAT IS FEARFUL DUE TO IT'S UNKNOWN NATURE. Basically, Shakespeare was saying that the situation sucks and is painful but, choosing to stay with this person would be the death of yourself and the absence of this person in your life allows you to live and have chance at life (even though life without that person seems awful and the whole thing is awful and hard at first.)
There are no pros and cons just a choice to make for your future happiness: life or death.
If it's not broken then do not fix it: If your going to hang in there at least don't try to fix you! You're the only thing in the relationship that "issue," wise isn't cracked and broken. A broken heart is different from a broken system. Your heart is broken but your part as the problem isn't. If you fix something that is not broken it finally breaks and then you have your partner broken, you broken and then it's an even bigger quick sand pile to get out of without help from him.
The Person Who Will not Try In the Relationship: Status: Broken piece
You: Status: Not Broken. (only on the inside).
Time goes by and you: Try to fix yourself which leads to your new "broken status."
The Person Who Will not Try and You: STATUS BOTH BROKEN. The only difference is that you broke fighting for the two of you and he made a decision to be the broken.
What pros and cons are there when decided to stay or go in a relationship? None.
What you must have in order for the relationship to get even a little better and be in a place to be worked on.
You both try with honest intent to get a plan together and try to fix things - a lifestyle change if needed-If you didn't cause most of the issues you trying does not include-"trying to shut up or forget about what he did." Trying for you = hanging in there while he takes the reigns and starts damage control cleanup.
If someone will not try=RELATIONSHIP GETTING
To be or not to be? That is the question. To be happy or not to be? The is the choice you make.
If he/she will not proactive be in this with you - then it's not to be or not to be - it's I know I should go - time to follow through or be unhappy. Period.
Easy right? Hardly. Should be with him or not? Should I be with her or not? = Should I try to convince myself it is not that bad and hope the bad will disappear? Should I go knowing that it would hurt like hell and be the hardest thing I have maybe ever done? Even if I know there is a better shot, someone else will love me again.