Written By: Cathy Shuba
Did you ever try to call someone that never returns your call, better yet, never picks up their phone because they always screen them, sees your number, and decides not to answer it? That is hurtful! Did you ever text or email someone that never responses back to your messages? That is aggravating! Did you ever spend time with someone and realize an argument or fight is always started or concocted in a way that makes you feel this person starts these arguments and difficulties because they really do not want to be around you? Feelings of abandonment begin to fill your head! Did you ever spend years in a broken relationship thinking the other wanted you and suddenly your denial for so many years becomes the reality when you realize you stayed in the relationship because of your own insecurities, denial and fears of being not loved or alone? Looking at yourself and seeing how your own selfishness can hurt you more not to mention if you have kids! Did you ever realize you are no longer wanted?
In reality I can answer Yes to all thee above and say to myself I have been there and I have done that. I have learned over the years in my recovery to look at me, forgive me and move on. On the other hand, I learned so much about myself and grateful for the people who made I feel unwanted. Yes, that is correct, unwanted. I say this because without these people in my life I would never had the chance to look at my behavior or my part in the relationship or situation. Sure, I cannot please everyone,…that is not what I am talking about today. Sure, not everyone is going to like you…that is not what I am talking about today. I am talking about the day I chose to become sober and those who chose to continue to drink or those who know they have a problem with drugs and alcohol and the thought of being around someone like me was unheard of not to mention uncomfortable and scary. When I drank, NO WAY did I want to be around Miss Goody two shoes, so to say! When I drank, NO WAY did I want to be around a bunch of people preaching and telling me how I should be, what I should be and should not be doing when it came to my drinking. “Give me a break”—I would say and drink even more to let them know who was in charge! Do you have anyone in your life that reacts to you in this way? Do not take it personally, they just are not ready to look in their own mirror and get help for themselves. I did not want to be around people who did do or drink as I did—period.
Ironically, after getting sober I found myself as the people I once despised in my life when I drank, by acting and saying the same things to others who where struggling with their alcohol or drug use. I found whenever I tried to change them, control them or fix them I had less people who wanted to be around me. I even noticed the same behaviors when I went to meetings and found out later that these individuals really did not want to get sober—just get their court papers signed. More years passed and my recovery changed, I changed and thank God, for that because I realized I had no control over one’s choices in life in or out of a 12-step program. Today I no longer wish to fix, change or control another human being just to make myself feel accepted, wanted, not insecure and mostly feed my ego. I just want to talk with people with respect instead of talking at them. I want to share my hope if they ask for it without shoving my advice and suggestions down their throat only to find later they avoid me and I resent them. I want to listen to people in order to learn more about me without trying to feed my ego and failing to feed compassion as I once failed to digest because I was to busy pointing fingers and telling all what one should and should not do. I want to have healthy relationships and put my energy into those relationships that accept me for who I am without trying to keep toxic relationships that keep me feeling sad and unloved. The list could go on what I want or need to do in order to keep my recovery honest and pure but the most important gift I received in recovery were those words of “DO NOT TAKE IT PERSONALLY!” Did you ever hear those words said to you? If so, take heart and know if you practice those words, you will find yourself less angry, resentful and hurt. Now, I am not saying not to feel those feelings, I am saying that knowing those words can free you from beings stuck as a victim or angry person. Those words, when taught and said to me were so freeing! I was then able to move on and find comfort with those who will enjoy my sober company. I now put my energy in those who want sobriety. I am able to let go, let God and move on with no resentment or hurt feelings. I know when I am wanted and it is freeing!
Today, I will exercise knowing how important it is to take care of me and put my energy towards those who want my company and love. I feel wanted today because I share my experience, strength and hope with boundaries, respect and compassion for those who want it!