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It was my mom who first made the choice for me to recover. I was too consumed with thoughts about food and exercise to be able to make a conscious and rational choice. That I met her decision with anger and fierce resistance is an understatement. I was ready to fight for anorexia. However, as I realized what recovery could give me, a desire to be free started to grow within.
Recovery meant not going to bed starving and not hurting myself through exercise. More than that, it offered me a sense of wholeness. For close to four years this has been my main reason to confront my fears and strive for freedom.
I want to live with my whole heart.
Anorexia turned me into a mere observer of life. Such a way of being in this world is painful. After years of trying to cope with difficult experiences by destroying my body and mind, something inside had enough. It’s not comfortable to live with an eating disorder. Sure, it numbs you. Even so, in the back of my mind, I gradually acknowledged how my way of living was not really living at all. I was surviving, but not thriving. No following my dreams and hopes. No passion. Just the knowledge that life could be so much more.
I didn’t want to merely observe life, passively, tired, and barely breathing. Nor did I want to continue to live a life that was not in accordance with my genuine values: Respect. Compassion. Honesty. It is hard to protect and promote these values with a mind obsessed with thinness, calorie counting and perfectionism.
I wanted to embrace the miracle we call life – offer genuine love to those around me, and one day to myself. When I pray for those who find themselves in darkness, I do not want parts of my brain to be busy counting calories or hating my body.
I started to seek pro-recovery pages on the web. Seeing with my own eyes how people had walked down the rocky road of recovery and were now living and thriving gave me hope. Come pain of breaking with the seemingly safety ED gave me. Come tears. I wanted to live with my whole heart! It has been four difficult years, but this desire has only grown stronger and stronger.
Some days disobeying the eating disorder is so painful it brings tears to my eyes, but it’s worth it. It’s worth it because it will eventually lead to freedom and a sense of wholeness. Increasing in strength, both physically and mentally, has enabled me to reconnect with old passions and discover new ones.
Today I am able to live a life that makes my soul feel good.
The disordered thoughts and urges that used to control me are still present, but they are not alone. They have to fight my reason to recover. They have to fight a person who has learned to fuel her hopes and freedom instead of fueling the illness.
You might have a hard time feeling any motivation or reason to make changes and recover. Do not let that make you lose hope. I didn’t feel it either.
Let me ask you this: Does the eating disorder actually help you live? How does it feel underneath the superficial numbness you get from eating disorder behavior? It hurts, doesn’t it? Like a painful, inner void. Are you willing to remain open to the possibility that recovery can help you heal? It is difficult to imagine, but it is nonetheless true.
Give yourself a chance. Give your life a chance. Open up and reach out to someone you trust. Take the first brave steps towards recovery. You have dreams. You have a desire to be free. Deep within you, under the layers of fear. What more, you have the courage to heal.
Have faith in yourself and you will one day fill your heart with freedom.